Thursday, December 17, 2009
Anyway, back to the point. Most of the time I'm aware that I'm carrying an extra tractor trailer around, and I need to be conscious of every decision I make. It's kind of hard when you're nauseous half the day, and the other half spontaneously experiencing this insatiable hunger. FOOD NOW.
So WHERE is this 13 lbs at? If I was not pregnant, I would not have gained 13 lbs. I just need to tell myself that. I was not eating enough to warrant a 13 lb gain. So dear God, please let it all be in my uterus! Or please just let it be a 13 lb baby, and have them cut it out of me!
In other news, I think I managed to make A's in both of my classes this semester. Which is pretty unbelievable because I hardly read the textbooks. I barely studied. I did what I had to do, and I was done with it. The bare minimum effort, if you will. Half butting it. Facebook, household chores, and River got way more of my time. Next semester I won't be able to float along so easily. I'll be almost full time. So this may be a practice trial for the real sha-bang. I just hope I survive. Dear God, please let me SURVIVE. There are so many other things I'd rather be up to than studying Western Civilization (I know, that sounds terrible). My Social Work classes have the potential to be very interesting, but I'm just weary. Too weary to throw myself at them 100 per cent. I guess I've chosen to do so many things at once that I can't be 100 per cent to anything. I guess it's just a time of sacrifice.
<3Love you all
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
If were an idiot
If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a teleprompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how he inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?
If George W.. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take to a play in NYC, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?
If George W.. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?
If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia , would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made
reference to the nonexistent "Austrian language,
" would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?
If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?
If George W. Bush had mis-spelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like and potatoe as proof of what a dunce he is?
If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?
If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?
If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans , would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?
If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?
If George W Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?
So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive?
Can't think of anything? Don't worry.
He's done all this in 8 months -- so you'll have three years and four months to come up with an answer.
**I didn't make this up.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
And plastic smiles
That are a pain to wear.
Beyond forcing words that aren't there.
Well you don't have to say a thing.
With mascara running, hair undone
Tears can't wash your beauty away,
Brokenness can't mar it.
You don't have to impress me,
Or worry about raw moments I see.
Because I want to be there,
I choose to be here for you.
Imperfection permeates this mortal state
We find ourselves in.
We can't always win.
Life is pain.
But I am here.
And know that I am broken with you.
I am with you,
On this quest for betterness.
Friday, August 7, 2009
and then in 2006, i was jealous that my friend laura went to scotland (and i don't get to travel much). and i said this, "for once i'd like to see further than what i do...just like my mind does..." now i THINK (think think think) i was making an interesting connection between my body's ability to travel and my mind's. how i wished my body could travel as much as my mind's. but alas, this was three years ago. and who has time to sit down and analyze their thoughts from three years ago? and who puts their comments into the deep memory reserve banks anyway?
man, all this sentimentality makes me want to play head automatica's beating hearts baby.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I am tired of walking around wearing only three pairs of pants and t-shirts (half of them my husband's). Oh I am much too stubborn to actually buy new clothes (but I've been thinking about it lately). That would admit defeat. O.k. body, I surrender to your new state of fatness, if this is the way it's going to be, give me some time to go on a shopping spree for plus sized clothes. Ack. I don't even feel like I EAT that much. But apparently I have to friggin starve myself to lose five lbs. I am convinced this is partly hormonal. Before I had River, I was able to maintain, binge, and lose when I felt like it. Now I am trapped in someone else's body, learning how to maneuver the peddles. Oh wait, this IS my body. It's a different body for sure.
Onto other news, summer class is ending soon and the fall classes are starting at Salisbury. The fall will likely be even more intense than the summer. I've figured out why people suggest finishing school before having babies. The two mix like oil and water (but it can be done if stirred vigorously enough, at least for a few more semesters!) I can enjoy neither school nor baby to its fullest extent. The two don't rotate simultaneously. They are both there, vying for my attention. If it's not a book put on hold, it's River. I miss the days when I could truly be excited for school, not have to worry about an infant, dive into the alternate reality of books and classes and other intelligent people. But I also don't know what I'd do without River, she's changed my life forever. And I hate having to shoo her away from my books, make her play by herself while I do school related things. Either way, one will ultimately suffer a little until I finish. Unless there is some celestial balance that I haven't figured out yet. But I will not be so prideful to assume there is.
In the end, I'm making a choice to not stop. I can't stop because I know I have it in me to continue. One day River will understand that I'm doing this for all of us. And hopefully my other children won't have to carry the struggles that River has had to carry with John and I. I am choosing to be a stay at home mother and sacrificing the extra income. But in other ways I'm saving lots of money by staying at home and forfeiting the money. I will add this in for an extra off topic: being a stay at home mother is very repetitive and intense. An at home mother and the bond between the child is relentless and personal, exhausting, all consuming...and sometimes, downright boring. I would not expect a job I'll have someday to be as difficult as staying at home. I am choosing to finish school because I think it's a possible feat, an unpredictable imperfect balance at best, but possible. When I'm done, John is going too. I don't think I'd do anything different right now if given the choice to.
If I ever had another child, actually start the ball rolling with these social work classes, and John picks up more hours at work...I seriously don't know how I'll have to time to clean out the fridge.
Monday, July 20, 2009
i can no longer play the violin on my arms
no longer can i lullabye the blood
my musical malady
my hollow heart
plays the harp
on my skin
my somber soul
plays the harp
but i can no longer play the violin on my arms
no longer will i lullaby the blood
this is my concert finale.
finally something worth sharing.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
We need a second car. That's what the agenda is tomorrow. Either we get a credit card or some sort of loan, because this one car dealio isn't cutting it anymore. I have school starting in the fall and I need a way to transport myself and River to her destination with Staci (just another form of independence I've had to sacrifice the past couple of years). But no more - I need this. If I can't finish school, I seriously wonder what the point of my life is other than being a mother? And you can't JUST be a mother. There has to be other aspects to one's life, whether it be hobbies, school, a job, a talent, an interest. I won't just live vicariously through River. And right now the thing for me is to finish school.
Just recently deemed ineligible for a job I rather wanted because I didn't have the proper licensure. It turns out that the application/accepting fees for licensure are $175 in total, and I don't even have the right about of credits in a certain subject to get it anyway. So there's another desire stomped and trampled on. Don't even get me started about watching my childhood dog`take his last breaths, or getting into an amazingly stupid fight with my brother. Or watching River empty the contents of my purse all over my room, quietly draw on my bed and her leg with an ink pen. I seriously need to get River Color Wonder products. She's starting to get into drawing and coloring, and Kristine will not have pen/marker/paint marks around the house. Never. How many calories were in that ice coffee I had earlier? There goes another 5 lbs stuck on my butt. Just another resolution that I never found the nerve to follow through on.
This post has been nothing but words stuck together to form a big random pile of negativity. Maybe I should just stop blogging altogether for a while unti I get it together.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
some days i'm happy and don't think too much (there's my drawback, i think way too much). i can laugh and make jokes, i can make fun of myself. i can believe that my life is unequivocally going in the right direction, and all i have to do is wait. it's the life-is-so-horrible-but-i-can-still-be-interminably-happy type day... i love these days. these days make up who i believe i am. these days define me more than i believe the sad ones do. the real "me" transpires.
other days, the nostalgia and anxiety in my belly eclipse me. there's a deep sadness that swirls around beneath the layers of my soul and i don't know how to get rid of it. a deep feeling of something "wrong" or an unsettled feeling. i've always been this way. ever since i can remember. even intense as a child, i've just never caught a break. it's just too bad there's no pill to purge myself of this quandary. it's just too bad i can't be a naturally happy person with simple cares and not one fear. not one. why can't i like planting gardens? why don't i know how to pick out a picture and hang it up on my bare walls? what am i so afraid of? decisons, decisons. they're scary.
happiness has never come naturally for me. i've always had to discover it, whether by chance or by working for it. just like everything else in my life that is important, i will continue to fight for it. and hopefully one day make peace with myself.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
And here's another thing. I'm getting tired of being obsessed with germs. This whole thing is stupid. I've never been like this before, why suddenly start up now? Life is full of germs, and some are even necessary for human life to build up good immune systems. They aren't going anywhere, and neither am I. That's not to say that I will now live my life as a dirty slob. No, that's to say I am now on the path to healing...I will no longer wonder/have anxiety about invisible things that I can't see waiting to hurt my family and I. It's ridiculous. This person who I've been lately isn't who I really am. I need to focus, focus, focus.
And (yes, one more paragraph that starts with and, because I don't feel like being all wordy and original right now), I'd like to get River involved with The Little Gym some day in the not too far away future. I think it's possibly one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Mothers chasing around their little babies, bells, bubbles, soft gym contraptions, monkey bars. It doesn't get any more exciting than that for a one year old. Let me tell you! And I hope I meet some nice people along the way.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Church today, and I had the nursery. I had a tiny baby girl for the first half of the service. Adorable. I really didn't get any stabbing pains in the stomach, as if to feel, hey, where is MY baby at? He/she should still be here, growing happily inside me. (Of course now thinking about babies hurts again. It's an on and off type thing.) Rather, my feelings leaned more towards knowing in my heart that this baby is very adorable, and a baby is still something I know I'd like to try for again in the future. And I'm not in as much a rush as before (o.k., so I'm still in a little rush, hehe). I just feel less the need to compete with people and see how fast I can push out my offspring. I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now. Important things I should take the time to figure out and investigate. I'm also going to school, and obtaining my degree will be a major milestone in my life. I'd also like to continue my education after that. Who knows? Some art or piano classes, more classes on drug/alcohol addiction (possibly the most interesting facet of my field...to me at least). Yes, I am venturing onwards, pregnancy may or may not be a part of my near future, I still have a very full life to attend to regardless.
Alright everybody, I will see you all on the flip side. Have a fantastic week.
Monday, May 25, 2009
In other news, the much anticipated (and dreaded) brother's wedding is coming up. On one hand I am excited. I love weddings, I love receptions, I love the feeling of romance in the air, all the people gathered. I love the cake! On the OTHER hand (the hand that's too fat for me to wear my wedding ring) I dread the thought of walking down the aisle wearing a renaissance dress in front of everyone with all this extra weight on me. I am shamed as a woman for not being able to take off the baby weight. Those celebrities do it so quickly. If anything the hormones have kicked my butt and I've gained weight after the baby. I'm not who I used to be, I can't just skip a meal and tra la la, back to the skinny jeans. Ugh, I wish I could be a teenager again. Although I was never really a skinny person (ever) I was almost down to my goal weight in 2005, when I was 18.
Back to the point of my story. Me, renaissance dress. Dainty shawl which will expose every nook and cranny of my arms and back. I should at least be thankful that the dress is long. And very pretty. And that my brother is marrying the woman he loves. You know what, I am ridiculous. There is a lot going on in the world right now, and I'm stressing over a bridesmaid dress. I need to get over it! Or in it. lol. No but seriously, I'll survive. It's May 30th. Pictures, pictures to come.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
So I saw this really yummy candle! It must not have been too yummy, for I forget the flavor. But it was green and passionate looking. I opened it up, and melted wax spilled on my light blue shirt. No, this is unacceptable. This cannot happen, I have places to go, people to see. So I scurried quickly over to the mounds of clothing (if you frequent yard sales then you know they can be exhausting!) and I saw and my size. Naturally I take it, no matter what the t-shirt design. The right size is a gem in the messy messy world of thrift shopping.
Long story short, I spend the rest of the day in a dark blue shirt with large bright blue cursive letters, "who's your daddy?" (Pause, and think about me wearing that shirt. ME.)
Needless to say, I was the only one at rehearsal wearing a red sweater zipped all the way up. It was for their protection! But I'm sure the ladies at David's Bridal thought me to be quite strange. Coming in with that attire, and then trying on such a pretty dress. I'm not even sure if the shirt was gender appropriate. All I know is it only cost 50 cents. And I'd rather look ridiculous than look dirty!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
the most exciting thing about my day is the pizza hut tuscani pasta/breadsticks in my refridgerator. that's not saying very much. i do, however, get to go to chocolate world on saturday with ash, her mother, her grandmother, her grandmother's friend, and the babes. Maybe there is someone else thrown into the mix. No, chocolate world is not in CANDY LAND, thank you very much. i believe it's located in hershey park, and it is a heaven sent location whose commission is to teach its visitors all about the wonders of making chocolate. apparently there's a ride there that gives its participants a piece of free chocolate in the end. don't kid yourself, kristine. you'll be on this ride 30+ times. unless of course i break down and just buy a choco bar. jeebs.
i also just found out that i had to add another class onto my fall schedule, which really isn't toooo big a deal, since i only had one class. i'm just trying to think of river, and the car, and different repsonsibilities that having another class might conflict with. but this is an online class so it really shouldn't be too inconvenient. it's going to be about substance abuse, YAY. (i know that sounds really weird, but i have this uncanny interest in that section of the field, substance abuse, addictions. i love it, i want a job working with them. i've never been personally addicted to a substance myself, but i can definitely relate to a loss of control. and we've all been addicted to something or other in this life, it may or may not have been cocaine. in the long run, addiction is addiction. and freedom is required for happiness).
whew! okay have a great day everybody.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Now onto more exciting news. Last night I was locked out of my bathroom (what can I say, I'm an idiot some days) and John had to come to my rescue at 12am something. Then, this morning after my shower I couldn't get out of the bathroom, so now we have John coming to my rescue again at almost 7am something. What if he just took the door off altogether? JEEBS.
Now today at 10am I have a CT scan to see if there is any cause for my draining emotionally and physically chronic headaches/other really weird stuff that's not been diagnosed. Hopefully they find nothing, but a part of me almost wishes they'd find SOMETHING, then that way I'd know what was wrong. And they could treat it. And I could just move on with my life. I'm perpetually stuck in limbo, just waiting for the doctors to figure it out. In the meantime I casually beg Jesus to take this cross from me because I can't handle it anymore. If He thinks I'm strong enough, I'll persist. My life could be a lot worse. It could be better, but it could be a lot worse. I have a lot to be thankful for in the end.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
also, i almost ate an entire box of "fiber selects" wheat thins by myself last night. i can feel something going on down there, and i can tell i'm in for it. i didn't even buy them, my mother brought them over. oh why did i subject my body to this fiber induced torture. i gained two lbs, and now i won't have to eat again until next weekend. wow, i really suck at life some days.
headache, headache go away. never come back again.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Anyway, my experience at the hospital was unspeakable. It took three tries to get the IV in (meanwhile I'm crying while the bff is holding my hand) and then later on when it started to hurt (it happened to be in a very sensitive place, practically the only place on my arm where the veins weren't constricted, and the saline water and morphine were really hurting) and the nurse refused to remove it and find a new spot. Lazy. I wonder if that's even legal? Shouldn't I have jurisdiction over my own body, especially in full consciousness?
That was just the cake, here is the icing. In the end, a nurse (or ER tech?) had the tenacity to tell me it was my fault I got an infection because I didn't take my antibiotics I was prescribed after the procedure. I have proof, papers from the hospital disclosing the medicines I went home with, and antibiotics isn't on them. This OB office has been a nightmare,too. I actually took a pregnancy test with them and didn't get to go back until my first trimester was almost over. When I went in, they said they didn't even know I was pregnant because I didn't tell them (even though it was their office that had confirmed it a month earlier) and that my chart was not yet changed.
I have not felt validated this time around with the medical community. It just sucks to go through something difficult, and then have an infection slam you, and then be blamed for it in the end!
...it makes you want to go to Wal-mart and ride on the scooters...fill the basket up with chocolate and transfat goodies.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
i would love to curl up in aquatic blankets
with you, my love
embrace you forever
i want to go back and erase my mistakes
for you, my love
forgiven by you forever
i would sing a love song in the watery depths
to you, my baby
serenade you forever
but i now know you're no longer there
in Heaven you wait for your mother.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
i visited frederick today, and the place is still as magical to me as ever. what i wouldn't give to live in downtown frederick. all the tiny shops and cafes make me giddy. i love all the people just walking to walk. i love the memories i have there. and yet i hate them at the same time because i was a different me. a healthy me. i can seriously mark my days of health like this... "before baby, after baby." i read on the internet that some people can have chronic headaches lasting up to 14 years. i don't want to be in that category. most days i can put up with it, but then some days (like tonight) i crack. i just don't want to deal with this...i'm too weak for real life. God help me. i never knew i'd have to bear this.
and yet look at me, i'm being so selfish. so many families have to face much worse than what i'll ever know. violence, hunger, emotional deprivation. can i ever just snap out of it and accept what is my plight in life (for now i hope, at least)?
Friday, April 17, 2009
river is watching a children's show infused with the Spanish language. it's not at all that the Spanish language integrated into the dialog is wrong, it's just that i'm trying to teach river where the nose is on her face, so i doubt she can comprehend "gracias" or "vamos." i'll probably learn a thing or two from this show seeing as the only lines i can think of are "me llamo kristine, y tu" and "donde esta el bano?"...my name is kristine, and yours? where is the bathroom? go figure.
great, now some big mouse is asking us if we want to go into his clubhouse (creepy) and they're singing enthusiasitcally about it. but not near as creepy as that new commercial where the guy redid his basement and randomly called out to people on the street, "hey jill! want to see my basement?!" yeah...red flag.
okay, river is starting to pile clothes and shoes ontop of me (usual) as i type this. so i'm going to get off. love to all three readers!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
i'll be attending the frederick, md tax day tea party. honestly, i am somewhat nervous. what can i expect when i get there? it's not that i don't support the ideas behind the rally, it's just that i'm not revolutionary enough to go stand in the rain with only three other people (and my child, so i win mother of the year award) and look like a complete dolt. i simply hope it will not be that mortifying. i'd like to glide into the crowd and blend in. i am such a dork, gah. i also have a lesser fear of crazy people, in general, showing up to do protests against the tea party. i want to die when i'm old, not at a tea party in 2009. besides, i wouldn't have had a chance to eat the curry leftovers (as i'm sure there will be).
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
i also need to quit caffeine. i had quit for a long time, but now i'm writing this on a cherry coke high. this is ridiculous. on the one hand i'm eating almond butter and wheat bread, fully cooked sushi and soymilk. and then in the other hand there is this extra large dark chocolate bar that my husband thought would be a great idea for easter (unfortunately it's going to be sitting for a while if i can really follow through with my new dietary goals). so here are my two new goals, STOP junk food altogether, and by junk food i mean anything deserty type/chocolate. i can still eat bread, sugary cereals, blah blah blah. i'm not an atkin's wannabe. goal number two involves STOPPING caffeine. it's completely unfair to the unborn. it's a drug i can do without.
i may or may not lose weight. that's a side note. the most important thing here is that i become a healthier person all around.
in regards to the food listings, i may not post everyday/add every detail. it would be too mundane/tedious.
additional thoughts....perhaps cutting out junk food altogether is a bit harsh. perhaps i'm setting myself up for failure here. perhaps a little here and there wouldn't hurt me. perhaps i should stop starting sentences with "perhaps." i could end with it then, perhaps. hahaha. like...i'm crazy, perhaps?