Sunday, July 26, 2009

Monday, July 20, 2009


i can no longer play the violin on my arms
no longer can i lullabye the blood
my musical malady

my hollow heart
plays the harp
on my skin

my somber soul
plays the harp

but i can no longer play the violin on my arms
no longer will i lullaby the blood
this is my concert finale.

© Kristine

finally something worth sharing.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

dear God please make me into snow or ice that sublimates into the atmosphere. goodbye strange cruel world. <3

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I hate for this to be another melodramatic blog with not much point or direction. But come hither (lol), why is every minute dragging on like it's actually an hour? I'm so undeserving of River and undeserving of today in general. People who complain about how slow the time goes must not appreciate life that much, seriously. I thrive on one form of stimulation to the next. I must continually be entertained. Kristine with dead space, bad news. I need a plan everyday. I need the "to-do" list, the chores, the going out and eating or shopping or running errands. Again, blank sheets, bad news.

We need a second car. That's what the agenda is tomorrow. Either we get a credit card or some sort of loan, because this one car dealio isn't cutting it anymore. I have school starting in the fall and I need a way to transport myself and River to her destination with Staci (just another form of independence I've had to sacrifice the past couple of years). But no more - I need this. If I can't finish school, I seriously wonder what the point of my life is other than being a mother? And you can't JUST be a mother. There has to be other aspects to one's life, whether it be hobbies, school, a job, a talent, an interest. I won't just live vicariously through River. And right now the thing for me is to finish school.

Just recently deemed ineligible for a job I rather wanted because I didn't have the proper licensure. It turns out that the application/accepting fees for licensure are $175 in total, and I don't even have the right about of credits in a certain subject to get it anyway. So there's another desire stomped and trampled on. Don't even get me started about watching my childhood dog`take his last breaths, or getting into an amazingly stupid fight with my brother. Or watching River empty the contents of my purse all over my room, quietly draw on my bed and her leg with an ink pen. I seriously need to get River Color Wonder products. She's starting to get into drawing and coloring, and Kristine will not have pen/marker/paint marks around the house. Never. How many calories were in that ice coffee I had earlier? There goes another 5 lbs stuck on my butt. Just another resolution that I never found the nerve to follow through on.

This post has been nothing but words stuck together to form a big random pile of negativity. Maybe I should just stop blogging altogether for a while unti I get it together.