Saturday, June 12, 2010

I wish that I could go back and be with John in New York again. In our little studio apartment. Before my life insurmountably changed. Even though we still needed so much, life was a lot more simple. Before I became pregnant and violently ill, anyway.We slept on the floor and then transitioned to a futon. Then we went into debt for a mattress and box spring. I bought an adorable blanket from Target to spread across it. I made this terrible dish consisting of boiled potatoes and onions, from what I remember. I forget if I was sick for these things. When I was sick, I probably used the bathtub and Internet as escapes. I had to come back to Maryland because I was bedridden a lot of the day, but I wonder what would have happened if I handled it better. Would we still be there? That's another topic entirely though.
I don't always interpret this parenting thing as sunshine and lollipops like some parents seem to. I wish I did. I wish I were the perfect parent, but the truth is I am nowhere near it. It would be wonderful if some day I forgot all the mistakes I've made already - and in the future a pink candy coating glossed their childhood, my parenthood. I know, I know. There are parents out there a lot worse than me. But there are better, too. I can be better. It bugs me. Two things that drive me the most insane are A) messes of any kind and B) an impatient or rough toddler being annoying/loud/dangerous/crying/getting in the way/throwing tantrums/being on repeat/you get the picture, lol/etc. But both A and B pretty much sum up a large chunk of childhood. So it's unfortunate that I let my patience wear so thin. What I need to do is get over it, because the truth is, I love them. I could probably never love anyone more. They mean everything to me, and I really can't imagine my life without having yet another one. I knew I've always wanted children. But there are just so many personal obstacles for me to climb before I can wholly enjoy them.
I really do wonder if I thought parenting was a joke though. When I saw that cute baby sock in the laundry mat in New York...which precipitated me wanting a baby. Oh, a baby sock, how cuuuute! Let's do it!'s not a joke. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to daily face (that, and some health issues I have...but I think parenting is more difficult than those, even). It's a lot of hard work, and my life isn't mine anymore. And the race is on to take care of little ones who need me all of the time, but not lose myself in the process.