Thursday, December 20, 2012


Yesterday, I took the three kids to the Mcdonald's PlayPlace. We stayed for three hours. *Three hours.* Threeeeee hoooooours( say it that last time in slow motion with your face kind of dragging downwards). 

On a side note, I just found this:

So basically, I let my kids play in poop for three hours straight. We'll get back to that. Actually, no, I'm not going to get back to that. Let's just say...I enhance their immune system by letting them play in public plastic tunnels where other poopy kids go, too. Ember is my poopy kid. There was actually a poop incident there. I didn't bring in enough diapers for Ember. She smelled for a while...maybe even grossing out an individual or two, who knows. Then she left the place wearing one of Jonathan's diapers. It just never goes the way a parenting magazine lays it out for you. Ha. 

Upon arrival, a strict worker told me I could not bring outside drinks in. So I threw away the remainder of my DQ frozen hot chocolate away in front of her. Why would she attack another fast food item? Doesn't she know they all share the same goal of  selling "food" and destroying our health? :) Then I asked at the counter if my kids could drink their soy milk I brought for them. Apparently, you aren't supposed to bring in outside drinks. So my kids were probably the only ones there that day drinking gmo soy milk with their McChickens. If that makes the whole experience a little less evil, I'll take it.

On another side note, I just found this:

A snippet, " Eating a McChicken in the morning is basically telling yourself, “Well, there’s no point in showering today.” The mayonnaise makes you surrender any and all ambitions. The self-loathing and worthlessness you feel post-McChicken is never worse than when the “ingredients” lay siege to your intestines."

So I guess, just remind yourself of certain things before you order a McChicken. 

Whilst there,  I was able to have a nice chat with a friend of my cousin.  Then, I talked with a lady who had a baby seven days apart from Jonathan. She asked me if I minded if she breastfed. Of course I told her how offended I was!! (No, not for real, goodness.) So she just pulls out her breasts and starts feeding her baby. It was simple. I was a little less alone in the world yesterday. Heh. But I am usually the only one in a room pulling breasts. I do what have to do.


Flash forward to it being time to leave. It's dark outside (the moms who stay forever *always* leave when it's dark). River is willing to leave because I've committed to getting her an orange drink in the car. Ember, she's still a little new to reasoning. So she climbs back up into the tunnel with her coat and boots on. I am sitting there with River, and sleeping Jonathan, just a tad helpless. You know you'd climb in a tunnel to rescue a kid, but it's just something you'll avoid at all costs, otherwise, And, then there's the issue of, if I myself went into a tunnel, would then I myself need to be rescued? :) I'm simply not a small and agile. "

Characterized by quickness, lightness, and ease of movement; nimble.

Yeah, no, not me. And definitely not in strategically placed tubes in the air.

But I digress. I was able to bribe her out peacefully with chocolate. It's official, the love of chocolate is genetic. No getting around it. I left there peacefully, with three kids. You never want to be *that mom* with the kid who is crying and throwing fits while you're trying to exit somewhere. It's not like I haven't been there. But again, some things you try to avoid :)

Well, I'll end it now. Onward to today. 

Monday, December 17, 2012


People are moving on. The world is moving on. A darkness is still present, and I sense it. Eighteen children. Everything I have to say is irrelevant. None of my life hardships are hard. Not right now.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

It hurts. A knife twist in my belly, dripping blood  emotion. I wait for the scarring, the fading, the pain to silence. We'll be a healed up memory.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Somehow I  always end up here. I'm too real and so it hurts. I'm too much for other people, for myself.

I love my son, though. I'm afraid. I'm upset. I'm locked inside this nightmare with him, every step of the way and and I will God will see him through.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

somber day, rainy day. an opportunity for my husband now squelched, but please let it open a new door. one we can all fit through, one we'll find contentment on the other side of.

and please baby jonathan be well. i want you.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

1,000 things to love/be thankful for. part 3.

201 car seats
202 cooking
203 highlighting lines in books
204 frozen bananas, for smoothies
205 bands
206 mountains
207 hospitals
208 technology
209 artists
210 paintings
211 art
212 museums
213 the sound of my family's breath while sleeping
214 the way ember's hair curls in the back, after a bath
215 trees on mountains
216 google
217 post secret
218 finishing a paper for school
219 concerts
220 hope
221 making life funnier
222 sarcasm
223 dancing
224 bed-sharing
225 red lipstick
226 interest in natural birth
227 computers
228 cafes/coffee shops
229 my ability
230 tax returns
231 feeling authentic
232 sky
233 stars
234 moon
235 remotes
236 answered prayers
237 new jobs
238 vacations
239 boredom
240 mail boxes
241 safety nets
242 baskets
243 ziploc baggies
244 my husband's health
245 salt and pepper
246 when my children obey
247 souvenirs
248 memorabilia
249 memory boxes
250 holidays
251 watching my children open gifts
252 hair detangler spray
253 feet in grass
254 wood floors
255 catching of a butterfly in a jar
256 pandora radio
257 mechanically inclined husband
258 clean bed set
259 tears
260 realization of the important things
261 hearing back from a friend
262 emotional escape in songs
263 pappap spending time with my children
264 living with my father, seeing him every day
265 grandma spending time with my children
266 messes coming clean
267 messes
268 hot bubbly sink load
269 whole babies
270 intactivism

1,000 things to love/be thankful for. part 2.

101 memories
102 crossing things off in a to do list
103 paying off debt
104 giving money to church
105 eating out at restaurants
106 feeling social
107 storage
108 clean space
109 clean diapers
110 finding the pacifier
111 smoothies
112 scarves
113 coats
114 slings
115 being a mother
116 being a daughter
117 being a sister
118 being a wife
119 pregnancy
120 subtle kicks inside the womb
121 family gatherings
122 summer dresses/skirts for my daughters
123 flip flops
124 milkshakes
125 completing a task
126 having a washer/dryer in my home
127 my crockpot
128 my rice cooker
129 perfectly made pancakes
130 the perfect recipe
131 clean produce
132 soup
133 fresh baked cookies
134 spices
135 soda
136 frappes
137 nut butters
138 my blender
139 straws
140 glass
141 safe plastics
142 my carpet
143 make-up
144 long hair
145 natural looks
146 a swaddled baby
147 watching my children sleep
148 watching my children enjoy a good meal
149 having energy for the day
150 having desire for the day
151 being pro-life
152 shopping lists
153 my daughters' love for plastic princess shoes
154 blogs
155 painted toenails
156 taking photos
157 editing photos
158 eyes
159 writing poetry
160 remembering
161 déjà vu
162 rocking my babies
163 reading my children a story
164 white noise
165 fans run at night to muffle tinnitus/my husband's snoring
166 weight loss
167 healthy weight gain (pregnancy)
168 finding a lost item
169 making new friends
170 baby showers
171 gift buying
172 laughing with my husband
173 realizing everyone has problems
174 journaling
175 reminiscing
176 videoing my children
177 watching family videos
178 being thankful for the good parts of childhood
179 animals
180 instincts
181 knowing i'm making the right choice
182 the bittersweet of labor/delivery
183 birthing shows
184 birth clubs
185 hearing the baby's heartbeat in utero
186 sonograms
187 nature names
188 the way river runs and picks flowers and brings small "bouquets"
189 maternity clothes
190 when my t.v. is hung on the wall, and no wires are showing
191 my moses basket
192 opinionated news/radio
193 my glasses
194 my health
195 shopping carts
196 hand sanitizer
197 green cleaning
198 organic/natural products
199 clean dishes
200 organic food

1,000 things to love/be thankful for

we have been reading this in choir. this lady in the book writes 1,000 things she loves. well i want to do it, too. write a 1,000 in my life i could love.

1 God/Jesus
2 jonathan
3 river
4 my baby i lost
5 ember
6 my new baby
7 eric, my brother
8 my parents
9 my parent in laws
10 my brother/sister in laws
11 extended family
12 church
13 choir
14 friends
15 natural food
16 junk food
17 newborn babies
18 breastfeeding
19 the way ember sleeps in the crook of my arm
20 co sleeping
21 the slow morning stir of my family waking in the morning
22 rain
23 snow
24 sunshine
25 the goofiness of a toddler
26 interesting t.v. shows
27 the sizzling of eggs in a pan
28 hearing my children say new words
29 hearing my children learn new concepts
30 alone/quiet time to myself
31 soft pillows
32 blankets
33 fresh warm laundry
34 cold beverages
35 central air
36 reading
37 the Bible
38 understanding
39 epiphanies
40 prayer
41 pajama pants
42 breakfast
43 lunch
44 dinner
45 movies
46 grocery shopping
47 toys
48 blogging
49 e-mail
50 facebook
51 the health of my children
52 when i have confidence
53 singing
54 poetry
55 baby clothes
56 thrift shopping
57 great clothing finds
58 great grocery shopping finds
59 trying different foods
60 replacing old food items with newer healthier food items in the kitchen
61 online shopping
62 credit card
63 bank
64 grocery stores
65 wal-mart
66 target
67 department stores
68 walking
69 driving
70 a full tank of gas
71 metaphors
72 laughter
73 humor
74 water
75 my pastor
76 good messages
77 sweet e-mails from my husband
78 board games
79 when time slips by and i'm unaware
80 watching my children have fun
81 playing with my children
82 freedom
83 chocolate
84 fast food
85 organized closets
86 blinds on my windows
87 a clean microwave
88 a clean home
89 nutritious meals at home
90 theme parks
91 my father's sense of humor
92 my mother's love for me
93 my tears for the aformentioned
94 trees
95 grass
96 parks
97 theme parks
98 the bittersweet
99 songs i love
100 being unafraid