i'm in such an introspective mood right now that my stomach hurts. death cab is playing and i wish it would rain, rain, rain. and wash away all the wrong in my life. i know i'm not doing everything right, and i need to fix it. i'm sorry God for failing You.

some days i'm happy and don't think too much (there's my drawback, i think way too much). i can laugh and make jokes, i can make fun of myself. i can believe that my life is unequivocally going in the right direction, and all i have to do is wait. it's the life-is-so-horrible-but-i-can-still-be-interminably-happy type day... i love these days. these days make up who i believe i am. these days define me more than i believe the sad ones do. the real "me" transpires.

other days, the nostalgia and anxiety in my belly eclipse me. there's a deep sadness that swirls around beneath the layers of my soul and i don't know how to get rid of it. a deep feeling of something "wrong" or an unsettled feeling. i've always been this way. ever since i can remember. even intense as a child, i've just never caught a break. it's just too bad there's no pill to purge myself of this quandary. it's just too bad i can't be a naturally happy person with simple cares and not one fear. not one. why can't i like planting gardens? why don't i know how to pick out a picture and hang it up on my bare walls? what am i so afraid of? decisons, decisons. they're scary.


happiness has never come naturally for me. i've always had to discover it, whether by chance or by working for it. just like everything else in my life that is important, i will continue to fight for it. and hopefully one day make peace with myself.
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I've been annoying myself. I have been caring about way too many things that don't even matter in the long run. Really, I have my whole life ahead of me. Why should I care about this or that and the other thing? I know right now what I'm saying does not make much sense to the untrained eye (o.k., any eye). Let me clarify. This is my story. I need to write it in my own way and in my own time. God is my judge, and in the end it's up to Him how I did. Nobody else gets to judge and/or define my life, especially by strict societal "standards" which also mean nothing.

And here's another thing. I'm getting tired of being obsessed with germs. This whole thing is stupid. I've never been like this before, why suddenly start up now? Life is full of germs, and some are even necessary for human life to build up good immune systems. They aren't going anywhere, and neither am I. That's not to say that I will now live my life as a dirty slob. No, that's to say I am now on the path to healing...I will no longer wonder/have anxiety about invisible things that I can't see waiting to hurt my family and I. It's ridiculous. This person who I've been lately isn't who I really am. I need to focus, focus, focus.

And (yes, one more paragraph that starts with and, because I don't feel like being all wordy and original right now), I'd like to get River involved with The Little Gym some day in the not too far away future. I think it's possibly one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Mothers chasing around their little babies, bells, bubbles, soft gym contraptions, monkey bars. It doesn't get any more exciting than that for a one year old. Let me tell you! And I hope I meet some nice people along the way.

<3

I just scarfed down another drinkable soup with a lean cuisine sandwich. Diet foods are always a little unpredictable. One can never quite know what to expect with diet food. Often it's either soggy, limp, and tasteless, or surprisingly almost o.k. food for a frozen meal within a box labeled "lean." I put the lean cuisine sandwiches in the latter category. They are a refreshing option in the dull and depressing world of diet food. Does anyone else have any more refreshing ideas on low calorie but taste filled foods? I would love to hear them. I would also like to know if anyone found anything praise worthy in the frozen section (my favorite aisle because I dislike cooking, unless of course it involves the one, the only, the microwave).
Church today, and I had the nursery. I had a tiny baby girl for the first half of the service. Adorable. I really didn't get any stabbing pains in the stomach, as if to feel, hey, where is MY baby at? He/she should still be here, growing happily inside me. (Of course now thinking about babies hurts again. It's an on and off type thing.) Rather, my feelings leaned more towards knowing in my heart that this baby is very adorable, and a baby is still something I know I'd like to try for again in the future. And I'm not in as much a rush as before (o.k., so I'm still in a little rush, hehe). I just feel less the need to compete with people and see how fast I can push out my offspring. I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now. Important things I should take the time to figure out and investigate. I'm also going to school, and obtaining my degree will be a major milestone in my life. I'd also like to continue my education after that. Who knows? Some art or piano classes, more classes on drug/alcohol addiction (possibly the most interesting facet of my field...to me at least). Yes, I am venturing onwards, pregnancy may or may not be a part of my near future, I still have a very full life to attend to regardless.
Alright everybody, I will see you all on the flip side. Have a fantastic week.