Sunday, June 28, 2009

i'm in such an introspective mood right now that my stomach hurts. death cab is playing and i wish it would rain, rain, rain. and wash away all the wrong in my life. i know i'm not doing everything right, and i need to fix it. i'm sorry God for failing You.

some days i'm happy and don't think too much (there's my drawback, i think way too much). i can laugh and make jokes, i can make fun of myself. i can believe that my life is unequivocally going in the right direction, and all i have to do is wait. it's the life-is-so-horrible-but-i-can-still-be-interminably-happy type day... i love these days. these days make up who i believe i am. these days define me more than i believe the sad ones do. the real "me" transpires.

other days, the nostalgia and anxiety in my belly eclipse me. there's a deep sadness that swirls around beneath the layers of my soul and i don't know how to get rid of it. a deep feeling of something "wrong" or an unsettled feeling. i've always been this way. ever since i can remember. even intense as a child, i've just never caught a break. it's just too bad there's no pill to purge myself of this quandary. it's just too bad i can't be a naturally happy person with simple cares and not one fear. not one. why can't i like planting gardens? why don't i know how to pick out a picture and hang it up on my bare walls? what am i so afraid of? decisons, decisons. they're scary.

happiness has never come naturally for me. i've always had to discover it, whether by chance or by working for it. just like everything else in my life that is important, i will continue to fight for it. and hopefully one day make peace with myself.


  1. I feel like sometimes even my happy days are ringed with this sadness because it's not like that for me. I don't just wake up happy, or even feeling "okay." I think it's always the simplest things that I truly want the most.

  2. it sucks to feel this way...but maybe one day i can "grow up" and "out of it"