Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I hate for this to be another melodramatic blog with not much point or direction. But come hither (lol), why is every minute dragging on like it's actually an hour? I'm so undeserving of River and undeserving of today in general. People who complain about how slow the time goes must not appreciate life that much, seriously. I thrive on one form of stimulation to the next. I must continually be entertained. Kristine with dead space, bad news. I need a plan everyday. I need the "to-do" list, the chores, the going out and eating or shopping or running errands. Again, blank sheets, bad news.

We need a second car. That's what the agenda is tomorrow. Either we get a credit card or some sort of loan, because this one car dealio isn't cutting it anymore. I have school starting in the fall and I need a way to transport myself and River to her destination with Staci (just another form of independence I've had to sacrifice the past couple of years). But no more - I need this. If I can't finish school, I seriously wonder what the point of my life is other than being a mother? And you can't JUST be a mother. There has to be other aspects to one's life, whether it be hobbies, school, a job, a talent, an interest. I won't just live vicariously through River. And right now the thing for me is to finish school.

Just recently deemed ineligible for a job I rather wanted because I didn't have the proper licensure. It turns out that the application/accepting fees for licensure are $175 in total, and I don't even have the right about of credits in a certain subject to get it anyway. So there's another desire stomped and trampled on. Don't even get me started about watching my childhood dog`take his last breaths, or getting into an amazingly stupid fight with my brother. Or watching River empty the contents of my purse all over my room, quietly draw on my bed and her leg with an ink pen. I seriously need to get River Color Wonder products. She's starting to get into drawing and coloring, and Kristine will not have pen/marker/paint marks around the house. Never. How many calories were in that ice coffee I had earlier? There goes another 5 lbs stuck on my butt. Just another resolution that I never found the nerve to follow through on.

This post has been nothing but words stuck together to form a big random pile of negativity. Maybe I should just stop blogging altogether for a while unti I get it together.


  1. Oh gosh, between here and xanga I sometimes write a lot of blogs about well nothing but everything at the same time. I feel like if I spread them out between two blogs people will think I'm not crazy, lol. But I think it's better to just blog about it and be able to vent about it somewhere.

    I went to the gym today, but I ate chinese food so I don't even know if it counts because I bet I ate way more than I burned off. Ugh. I'd be happy now to lose 2 pounds a month.

  2. That's why I save all my negativity for my actual Journal. What ever happened to journal writing anyway? I guess it's all blogging anymore. You'll be ok, and I'd say there's about 350 calories in that ice coffee you just drank lol IT'S WORTH IT!

  3. christine- don't even get me started on chinese food buffets. they're super dangerous. i wouldn't have the energy to work out on the same day i ate it, so kudos to you, you're more brave than me.

    adam- i've been journaling since a little girl. and i still have a journal even now, but i write more sparingly. i still write when i feel the need to, so my life, however uneventful or not, remains to be documented. and it's good that you are doing it too.

    ps. i'm not shocked you'd say it's worth it! haha. you're the biggest frozen coffee drinker i know.

  4. Sweetie you are doing what I knew I could not do, be a talented woman and wonderful mother at such a young age. I didn't start with kids until I was 26 and my second at 33, and I knew I wasn't ready then. But we move on, one foot step at a time. First off know you are loved and highly admired by those around you for all you have accomplished in your life, JUST being a mother is no small task and you have done that astonishingly well. You are a patient and supportive wife at a time when you know I would have drop kicked mine to the curb in the same situation. And you are so gifted with words! Even your "pile of negativity" gives rise to the repsonses posted here and elsewhere. You are something special kid and don't you forget it. Now as to the to do list - please apply the foloowing on days when you don't feel you have anything to do.
    1. Kiss River 100 times, don't lose count but between rising and sleeping get 100 kisses in.
    2. Suck face with your husband for no reason than it gives your lips and mind something fun to do.
    3. Write to me, and Ashley and everyone else in your true friends list (BCC us all if you don't want to write separate emails) and tell us about your day in detail - no real TMIs b/t friends.
    4. Thank God for You! It's something I am learning but God made you as you are for a reason or reasons as yet unspecified. One day in hind sight you'll see some of them but until then Thank Him in advance!!
    5. Sneak in a nap when River goes down or put her in her crib and sneak a nap. Dream of all your maybes.
    6. okay need any more? Ask and I shall provide!

  5. omgsh ann I LOVE YOU! you are so encouraging during a time when encouraging words seem so few and far between. and can we just say, i am definitely getting in number 5? hahaha. now why on earth would you have already drop kicked your husband to the curb?! hmmmmm??

  6. Kristine-
    I found your blog through a group on BabyCenter. I am going through some things similar to you- 1 child, miscarried in Nov 08, had a D&C, TTC. Also I had something similar to your parethesia, and I'd love to chat more- feel free to send me an email at