Saturday, June 18, 2011

here's an excerpt from 2006, i was a teenager. It looks like symptoms.

"Sometimes I hate how much I feel. I get sick of every sight and sensation, even small things become intense or catastrophic. Like, I'm on the highway and I am (insanely) aware of the blinkers, and I stare at them as they switch from lane to lane. Where do they all think they're going? Sometimes I lie in bed and I think about so much, or become so guilty about things that I've done, that my mind just races and I permanently go into panic mode. My whole body will tense up, and I can't go to sleep. My legs hurt."

The thing about OCD, is that even if I try to rid a thought, block a thought, neutralize a thought, replace a thought, mentally compulse a thought, make the thoughts make sense/ whatever it is I do in my head to these thoughts...the fear is still there. The anxiety is still there. Whatever shut off valve normal people have, I must not have. In the face of a rational thought, the irrational remains. The whole gist of this illness is fear. The d stands for demon, as I've read somewhere else.

OCD is like being crazy, but still being sane enough to watch yourself be crazy. Is there anything else like it in the world? At the very least, I've read that it's thought people with this condition have higher intelligence, just because of the thought processes.

"It has been proposed that sufferers are generally of above-average intelligence, as the very nature of the disorder necessitates complicated thinking patterns.[73]"–compulsive_disorder).

Woohoo. I'm smart enough to be blessed with a curse. It's true though, the thoughts keep rolling in and out and back in again. They layer one another, crash into one another. It is not pleasant. But to an extent there is an invisibility to it, so I kind 0f still go on with life. Life goes on, regardless of how severe or how mild it happens to be for me.

When all is said and done, I'd like to be unimpressed by whatever insane notions my mind presents to me. I'd like to use the logical part of my mind to defeat all illogical. I'd like to let go of doubts and unknowns, as clinging to absoluteness is sometimes futile. I wish to separate myself from certain thoughts and tell myself it isn't me. That the real me is the one that is letting go of this thought RIGHT NOW instead of clinging, obsessing, etc. The real me is not the thought itself, rather the one denying the thought. I need to have belief in my own strength.

As for how I like everything "in its place"...well, it's helping me keep my place clean. Granted, no one needs the extra stress of feeling the loss of control when things get messy, but if I were to choose the worst aspect of myself, it wouldn't be the cleaning compulsions. One day (hopefully) I'll let go and relax more. Things can't be perfect with kids around, anyway. They're already not. But not too much relaxation... we're not living in filth, and I am not ending up on that show Hoarders.

I need to write here more often. But I also need to quit forsaking the crap out of my journal. What if i regret tomorrow not writing down the details of today.

My kids are driving me nuts. Side note.