Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I want to stop thinking about death. I think about it a lot, I know that I shouldn't because I'm so young. But its inevitability really affects me. A 24 year old should be all ladeda-I-have-my-whole-life-ahead-of-me-death-isn't-much-to-wonder-about-right-now. But to me, the space between 24 and old age is almost a night. And it really really bothers me that memories are just that, memories. They aren't tangible, they're over. They're almost not really real, only passing thoughts in the brain. One can never go back, yesterday is done. Today is now and it's the only "real" we have. I can never recover nightmares. I can never recover precious times.

So even if I did finally absorb the fact that I'm still young and death is not appropriate to think about, there is still the reality that old age isn't promised to me, it's not promised to you. Today is what we have, death strikes anywhere, any time. So relying on old age isn't always possible, though probable in many cases. So the ugly finality of death is still in my mind.

Another thing, I'm scared of death because life is all I know. I'm scared not to "be here" because I don't really know what "being there" means. Who is the me that would be somewhere else? I don't know that person. I don't know the "old me" either, in this life. It's all surreal. I'm scared of life without my husband, my kids, and having them in the way I've always known. It's the unknown that gets me.

I need to think Heavenly thoughts to comfort myself.
And I know I think entirely too much about things that some people would never think. One thing is for sure, I think I can look back at my twenties and remember a time when I realized that life was a breath, and how much that tore at me.