Today I was so bored that I cooked a chicken dish, listened to techno music, and cleaned the inside of my refrigerator. I suppose some people would go see a movie or take a walk. This is what happens when you have two little people. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Wah, wah, wah. Life takes everything you have and then asks for more. So you oblige. As I'm dancing with River in the kitchen to this old techno music, it's almost like I'm re living a memory I have somewhere in my head. Of my childhood. Music playing and my mother cooking in the kitchen. Cleaning, and dancing, and cooking. So normal. But not.

(I want to rewrite my children differently. Can I?)

I want to let go and enjoy this moment with River, but I just can't. Not completely. And that's the dark side of who I am. I'm the kind of person that can have fun all night at a party, but then go home and cry. God, just like...I want to let go and have some semblance of peace, but it's so hard to let go when you remember certain things...like, for example, how finite life is. Why let go completely and relax? When you do, you just grow old and die and lose it all. All my children, all my work. Why should I love every moment when every moment is doomed to end anyway? This is where my thoughts travel when I don't pull them together. I'm not a naturally happy person, I have to work at it. My life circumstances really make it hard for me. But I have to pull myself together and remember things like God, Heaven, Love. The Big Picture. But even Heaven I approach with some trepidation, just because of its unfamiliarity. Yes, Christians aren't supposed to be afraid of The End. Well, I am. Because I don't know anything else besides what I've known here. And the mind that I have now can't even conceive of a life where I don't hold babies and my husband and have intertwining days of pain and relief. I'll miss them in that way, my family.

I just think too darn much. Way way way too much. I don't want to go back on anxiety medication. I don't really know that I need it...because then there are the Good Days. The days that encourage me to persist. One day life won't be so difficult anymore. I just need to believe that.

I wish that I could go back and be with John in New York again. In our little studio apartment. Before my life insurmountably changed. Even though we still needed so much, life was a lot more simple. Before I became pregnant and violently ill, anyway.We slept on the floor and then transitioned to a futon. Then we went into debt for a mattress and box spring. I bought an adorable blanket from Target to spread across it. I made this terrible dish consisting of boiled potatoes and onions, from what I remember. I forget if I was sick for these things. When I was sick, I probably used the bathtub and Internet as escapes. I had to come back to Maryland because I was bedridden a lot of the day, but I wonder what would have happened if I handled it better. Would we still be there? That's another topic entirely though.
I don't always interpret this parenting thing as sunshine and lollipops like some parents seem to. I wish I did. I wish I were the perfect parent, but the truth is I am nowhere near it. It would be wonderful if some day I forgot all the mistakes I've made already - and in the future a pink candy coating glossed their childhood, my parenthood. I know, I know. There are parents out there a lot worse than me. But there are better, too. I can be better. It bugs me. Two things that drive me the most insane are A) messes of any kind and B) an impatient or rough toddler being annoying/loud/dangerous/crying/getting in the way/throwing tantrums/being on repeat/you get the picture, lol/etc. But both A and B pretty much sum up a large chunk of childhood. So it's unfortunate that I let my patience wear so thin. What I need to do is get over it, because the truth is, I love them. I could probably never love anyone more. They mean everything to me, and I really can't imagine my life without having yet another one. I knew I've always wanted children. But there are just so many personal obstacles for me to climb before I can wholly enjoy them.
I really do wonder if I thought parenting was a joke though. When I saw that cute baby sock in the laundry mat in New York...which precipitated me wanting a baby. Oh, a baby sock, how cuuuute! Let's do it! Well...it's not a joke. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to daily face (that, and some health issues I have...but I think parenting is more difficult than those, even). It's a lot of hard work, and my life isn't mine anymore. And the race is on to take care of little ones who need me all of the time, but not lose myself in the process.

This is it. I must endure every wave until this child comes to fruition. There is no going back - a road with no u-turns, a train that will not fall off its tracks. No stopping. The end. The beginning.
The emotions are mixed.

me - why do you need me?

him - because i can't do it without you.

me - what, the whole mommy/daddy thing?

him - no, the whole life thing.

facebook is starting to annoy me. mainly because I'm starting to annoy myself. I wonder what would happen if someone actually shut down my facebook account? would I have breathing problems? i don't like to be dependent that much on anything. i'm curious as to why it's relevant for me to post irrelevant details about my life. irrelevant to most of the facebook population, that is. I think I need to step back from updating so much. And the site certainly doesn't need checked any more than a few times a day. even that is putting it on par with eating and other daily activities, and it probably shouldn't be. some things i refuse to get over though. such as finding out important updates and photos. i love the photos part. so i definitely won't be ditching facebook altogether. i think i just need to step back a little bit because i'm taking it to an extreme. luckily for me in a few weeks once this semester starts to pick up (it's a killer) and i have this baby, i will no longer have the time to waste.
i also remind myself that i can have a very obsessive personality. i went through phases with other social networking sites too. i remember i thought it was the end of the world when my dad wouldn't purchase aol for the computer. i was signing on and off aim religiously - addicted to "user info." then it was xanga. then it was myspace. now it's facebook. this too shall pass.

But that's all pain I can mainly block out on a daily basis. My denigrated relationship with my mother is nothing new. I'll always have a hole in my heart. But I guess that's God's job to fill. Lately I have been getting in way too many arguments with John. The move, both of us going back to school, and now job hunting, tight finances, weight gain, health problems, my intentions to keep a clean apartment, and a stressful pregnancy...are all just making this for a super fun way to start 2010. I am so stressed out, I don't even remember most of my life before I started paying bills and worrying about marriage and children. What on earth could have upset me from day to day? The old me who got upset over not finding the perfect pair of pants or having an unclear face (or whatever plucked my nerves as a teenager) is long gone. She's dead. I'm now on Craigslist looking for good deals on footie pajamas and wondering how in the world I'm going to afford textbooks for college. I can't wait to just get past this whole school thing. Much suffering now, hopefully to pay off in the end.

And all of this is nothing compared to what some people are facing right now. Dear God, just make me grow up.