Thursday, August 20, 2009

for me, by ashely. the bff.

for her.

Beyond facades,
And plastic smiles
That are a pain to wear.
Beyond forcing words that aren't there.
Well you don't have to say a thing.

With mascara running, hair undone
You're stunning.
Tears can't wash your beauty away,
Brokenness can't mar it.
You don't have to impress me,
Or worry about raw moments I see.
Because I want to be there,
I choose to be here for you.

Imperfection permeates this mortal state
We find ourselves in.
We can't always win.

Life is pain.
But I am here.

And know that I am broken with you.

I am with you,
On this quest for betterness.

Friday, August 7, 2009

wow. what a kick in the stomach. i googled "kristinelovesrain" and suddenly i'm reading comments i've posted to people five years ago. when transported to the past, i usually get sad. why? i have this nevereverending desire to go back. and it's an impossible wish. get over it kristine. everyone lives. everyone dies. there is no going back from here.

same here! i'm almost 17, and i've done plenty of dreaming about the wedding. if you find a pic, make sure you tell me when it's up!

and yes, the hair just has to be down. it adds so much more. who would want to hide it?


this was posted on my friend christine's old xanga. john and i broke up that year, and that year i was mentally torn in half (those who know me say, what year haven't you been? but trust me, this year was 2nd worst in all my life). i still found it in me to somehow post something about a wedding. i insinuated dreams of my own wedding. i wonder what i wanted, what i aspired it to be? i'm sure nothing i got in reality in regards to my wedding day was anything i'd ever plan. but i really loved my wedding. i don't regret the day. oh yes, and i wore my hair down. <3

and then in 2006, i was jealous that my friend laura went to scotland (and i don't get to travel much). and i said this, "for once i'd like to see further than what i do...just like my mind does..." now i THINK (think think think) i was making an interesting connection between my body's ability to travel and my mind's. how i wished my body could travel as much as my mind's. but alas, this was three years ago. and who has time to sit down and analyze their thoughts from three years ago? and who puts their comments into the deep memory reserve banks anyway?


man, all this sentimentality makes me want to play head automatica's beating hearts baby.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Ann, you are absolutely right. I wish there was a "FOOD OFF" button in my head. I spend way too much time thinking about it. And apparently not enough time thinking the correct thoughts. For I am currently ten pounds heavier than what I was after I gave birth to River early last year. Excuse me if I'm incorrect, but I thought actually having the baby meant that it was time for the mother to DEFLATE, not INFLATE. I guess my body undergoes "inflation" with the rate of the economy. This is just disastrous. Alright, not quite that. But it's...devastating to me in my personal life.

I am tired of walking around wearing only three pairs of pants and t-shirts (half of them my husband's). Oh I am much too stubborn to actually buy new clothes (but I've been thinking about it lately). That would admit defeat. O.k. body, I surrender to your new state of fatness, if this is the way it's going to be, give me some time to go on a shopping spree for plus sized clothes. Ack. I don't even feel like I EAT that much. But apparently I have to friggin starve myself to lose five lbs. I am convinced this is partly hormonal. Before I had River, I was able to maintain, binge, and lose when I felt like it. Now I am trapped in someone else's body, learning how to maneuver the peddles. Oh wait, this IS my body. It's a different body for sure.


Onto other news, summer class is ending soon and the fall classes are starting at Salisbury. The fall will likely be even more intense than the summer. I've figured out why people suggest finishing school before having babies. The two mix like oil and water (but it can be done if stirred vigorously enough, at least for a few more semesters!) I can enjoy neither school nor baby to its fullest extent. The two don't rotate simultaneously. They are both there, vying for my attention. If it's not a book put on hold, it's River. I miss the days when I could truly be excited for school, not have to worry about an infant, dive into the alternate reality of books and classes and other intelligent people. But I also don't know what I'd do without River, she's changed my life forever. And I hate having to shoo her away from my books, make her play by herself while I do school related things. Either way, one will ultimately suffer a little until I finish. Unless there is some celestial balance that I haven't figured out yet. But I will not be so prideful to assume there is.

In the end, I'm making a choice to not stop. I can't stop because I know I have it in me to continue. One day River will understand that I'm doing this for all of us. And hopefully my other children won't have to carry the struggles that River has had to carry with John and I. I am choosing to be a stay at home mother and sacrificing the extra income. But in other ways I'm saving lots of money by staying at home and forfeiting the money. I will add this in for an extra off topic: being a stay at home mother is very repetitive and intense. An at home mother and the bond between the child is relentless and personal, exhausting, all consuming...and sometimes, downright boring. I would not expect a job I'll have someday to be as difficult as staying at home. I am choosing to finish school because I think it's a possible feat, an unpredictable imperfect balance at best, but possible. When I'm done, John is going too. I don't think I'd do anything different right now if given the choice to.

If I ever had another child, actually start the ball rolling with these social work classes, and John picks up more hours at work...I seriously don't know how I'll have to time to clean out the fridge.