my life into words.

Ann, you are absolutely right. I wish there was a "FOOD OFF" button in my head. I spend way too much time thinking about it. And apparently not enough time thinking the correct thoughts. For I am currently ten pounds heavier than what I was after I gave birth to River early last year. Excuse me if I'm incorrect, but I thought actually having the baby meant that it was time for the mother to DEFLATE, not INFLATE. I guess my body undergoes "inflation" with the rate of the economy. This is just disastrous. Alright, not quite that. But it's...devastating to me in my personal life.

I am tired of walking around wearing only three pairs of pants and t-shirts (half of them my husband's). Oh I am much too stubborn to actually buy new clothes (but I've been thinking about it lately). That would admit defeat. O.k. body, I surrender to your new state of fatness, if this is the way it's going to be, give me some time to go on a shopping spree for plus sized clothes. Ack. I don't even feel like I EAT that much. But apparently I have to friggin starve myself to lose five lbs. I am convinced this is partly hormonal. Before I had River, I was able to maintain, binge, and lose when I felt like it. Now I am trapped in someone else's body, learning how to maneuver the peddles. Oh wait, this IS my body. It's a different body for sure.

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Onto other news, summer class is ending soon and the fall classes are starting at Salisbury. The fall will likely be even more intense than the summer. I've figured out why people suggest finishing school before having babies. The two mix like oil and water (but it can be done if stirred vigorously enough, at least for a few more semesters!) I can enjoy neither school nor baby to its fullest extent. The two don't rotate simultaneously. They are both there, vying for my attention. If it's not a book put on hold, it's River. I miss the days when I could truly be excited for school, not have to worry about an infant, dive into the alternate reality of books and classes and other intelligent people. But I also don't know what I'd do without River, she's changed my life forever. And I hate having to shoo her away from my books, make her play by herself while I do school related things. Either way, one will ultimately suffer a little until I finish. Unless there is some celestial balance that I haven't figured out yet. But I will not be so prideful to assume there is.

In the end, I'm making a choice to not stop. I can't stop because I know I have it in me to continue. One day River will understand that I'm doing this for all of us. And hopefully my other children won't have to carry the struggles that River has had to carry with John and I. I am choosing to be a stay at home mother and sacrificing the extra income. But in other ways I'm saving lots of money by staying at home and forfeiting the money. I will add this in for an extra off topic: being a stay at home mother is very repetitive and intense. An at home mother and the bond between the child is relentless and personal, exhausting, all consuming...and sometimes, downright boring. I would not expect a job I'll have someday to be as difficult as staying at home. I am choosing to finish school because I think it's a possible feat, an unpredictable imperfect balance at best, but possible. When I'm done, John is going too. I don't think I'd do anything different right now if given the choice to.

If I ever had another child, actually start the ball rolling with these social work classes, and John picks up more hours at work...I seriously don't know how I'll have to time to clean out the fridge.