update.

so yesterday i saw the lady who did the procedure on me, and she informed that the ER person who said that to me had no idea what they were talking about. people who have d&c's do not routinely go home with antibiotics (at least under her care). i was able to let go of my anger rather quickly, that was as close as an apology i could come to, seeing as it wasn't her mistake after all. my husband says that i still have to let him sue somebody in some way. ridiculous, lol.

also, i almost ate an entire box of "fiber selects" wheat thins by myself last night. i can feel something going on down there, and i can tell i'm in for it. i didn't even buy them, my mother brought them over. oh why did i subject my body to this fiber induced torture. i gained two lbs, and now i won't have to eat again until next weekend. wow, i really suck at life some days.

headache, headache go away. never come back again.

macabre.

Okay, so my hormones are absolutely raging. That is the only thing that could possibly have caused these symptoms I've been having. Yesterday I had a headache that was killing me and a fever. I called the doctor and she told me to take myself to the hospital. I thought I was only going to urgent care, but when I got there they did the whole IV thing, so I went to the actual ER area. I had a rather large dose of morphine, and my headache still didn't go away. And now I have vicodin at home, and it is also useless. I never knew my body could defy these sorts of medications. I'm officially freaked out!

Anyway, my experience at the hospital was unspeakable. It took three tries to get the IV in (meanwhile I'm crying while the bff is holding my hand) and then later on when it started to hurt (it happened to be in a very sensitive place, practically the only place on my arm where the veins weren't constricted, and the saline water and morphine were really hurting) and the nurse refused to remove it and find a new spot. Lazy. I wonder if that's even legal? Shouldn't I have jurisdiction over my own body, especially in full consciousness?

That was just the cake, here is the icing. In the end, a nurse (or ER tech?) had the tenacity to tell me it was my fault I got an infection because I didn't take my antibiotics I was prescribed after the procedure. I have proof, papers from the hospital disclosing the medicines I went home with, and antibiotics isn't on them. This OB office has been a nightmare,too. I actually took a pregnancy test with them and didn't get to go back until my first trimester was almost over. When I went in, they said they didn't even know I was pregnant because I didn't tell them (even though it was their office that had confirmed it a month earlier) and that my chart was not yet changed.

I have not felt validated this time around with the medical community. It just sucks to go through something difficult, and then have an infection slam you, and then be blamed for it in the end!

...it makes you want to go to Wal-mart and ride on the scooters...fill the basket up with chocolate and transfat goodies.

ariel.

ariel.

i would love to curl up in aquatic blankets
with you, my love
embrace you forever

i want to go back and erase my mistakes
for you, my love
forgiven by you forever

i would sing a love song in the watery depths
to you, my baby
serenade you forever

but i now know you're no longer there
in Heaven you wait for your mother.

no title good enough.

I lost my second child, but God has His own wisdom and reasons for allowing things. I've been crying on and off since I found out, as I'm sure all women do at this point. I'm not alone in this. God help all of the women who have faced this once...or more.

i need to get over it. not everyone can have it perfectly.

i am completely frustrated with the world right now. i woke up on the wrong side of the couch, and i've been treating my husband (and all of his ideas) like a non issue. i need to wake completely up and snap out of it.
i visited frederick today, and the place is still as magical to me as ever. what i wouldn't give to live in downtown frederick. all the tiny shops and cafes make me giddy. i love all the people just walking to walk. i love the memories i have there. and yet i hate them at the same time because i was a different me. a healthy me. i can seriously mark my days of health like this... "before baby, after baby." i read on the internet that some people can have chronic headaches lasting up to 14 years. i don't want to be in that category. most days i can put up with it, but then some days (like tonight) i crack. i just don't want to deal with this...i'm too weak for real life. God help me. i never knew i'd have to bear this.
and yet look at me, i'm being so selfish. so many families have to face much worse than what i'll ever know. violence, hunger, emotional deprivation. can i ever just snap out of it and accept what is my plight in life (for now i hope, at least)?

vamos people.

river and i are in the living room eating wheat crackers. once again i've gained back the two pounds i lost. how pathetic. i'm not even trying. i'm officially in a danger zone. a big cheesy, saucy, pepperoni filled danger zone. john just got a job at pizza hut and brought back a panormous last night.
river is watching a children's show infused with the Spanish language. it's not at all that the Spanish language integrated into the dialog is wrong, it's just that i'm trying to teach river where the nose is on her face, so i doubt she can comprehend "gracias" or "vamos." i'll probably learn a thing or two from this show seeing as the only lines i can think of are "me llamo kristine, y tu" and "donde esta el bano?"...my name is kristine, and yours? where is the bathroom? go figure.
great, now some big mouse is asking us if we want to go into his clubhouse (creepy) and they're singing enthusiasitcally about it. but not near as creepy as that new commercial where the guy redid his basement and randomly called out to people on the street, "hey jill! want to see my basement?!" yeah...red flag.
okay, river is starting to pile clothes and shoes ontop of me (usual) as i type this. so i'm going to get off. love to all three readers!

titles are complicated for me.

so today john is cooking beef curry. haha, at first i typed "beefy". "beefy curry" doesn't sound very appetizing for whatever reason. at any rate, he added coconut milk to this batch, so it should be amazing. i "shockingly" gained five pounds. i can honestly say that i haven't been on a food rampage everyday, but i have been neglecting serving sizes/types of food. add on the lack of physical exercise, and you have five extra pounds. why is this so hard for me? i miss my glory days.

i'll be attending the frederick, md tax day tea party. honestly, i am somewhat nervous. what can i expect when i get there? it's not that i don't support the ideas behind the rally, it's just that i'm not revolutionary enough to go stand in the rain with only three other people (and my child, so i win mother of the year award) and look like a complete dolt. i simply hope it will not be that mortifying. i'd like to glide into the crowd and blend in. i am such a dork, gah. i also have a lesser fear of crazy people, in general, showing up to do protests against the tea party. i want to die when i'm old, not at a tea party in 2009. besides, i wouldn't have had a chance to eat the curry leftovers (as i'm sure there will be).

but SERIOUSLY.

my delusional diet.

so apparently i need to eat better, especially because of the pregnancy. it's a well known fact that hangs over my head, but i like to ignore it while i'm eating both chocolate chip cookie dough poptarts. it's just unfortunate that this tiny person growing inside me doesn't understand the joy of a moo latte, the wonders of a milkshake, the almost surreal satisfaction after a chinese buffet.
i also need to quit caffeine. i had quit for a long time, but now i'm writing this on a cherry coke high. this is ridiculous. on the one hand i'm eating almond butter and wheat bread, fully cooked sushi and soymilk. and then in the other hand there is this extra large dark chocolate bar that my husband thought would be a great idea for easter (unfortunately it's going to be sitting for a while if i can really follow through with my new dietary goals). so here are my two new goals, STOP junk food altogether, and by junk food i mean anything deserty type/chocolate. i can still eat bread, sugary cereals, blah blah blah. i'm not an atkin's wannabe. goal number two involves STOPPING caffeine. it's completely unfair to the unborn. it's a drug i can do without.
i may or may not lose weight. that's a side note. the most important thing here is that i become a healthier person all around.

b-almond/jelly sand./oj
l-fruitloops, burrito
d-11pc. sushi

in regards to the food listings, i may not post everyday/add every detail. it would be too mundane/tedious.

ciao, kristine<3

additional thoughts....perhaps cutting out junk food altogether is a bit harsh. perhaps i'm setting myself up for failure here. perhaps a little here and there wouldn't hurt me. perhaps i should stop starting sentences with "perhaps." i could end with it then, perhaps. hahaha. like...i'm crazy, perhaps?