Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I want to stop thinking about death. I think about it a lot, I know that I shouldn't because I'm so young. But its inevitability really affects me. A 24 year old should be all ladeda-I-have-my-whole-life-ahead-of-me-death-isn't-much-to-wonder-about-right-now. But to me, the space between 24 and old age is almost a night. And it really really bothers me that memories are just that, memories. They aren't tangible, they're over. They're almost not really real, only passing thoughts in the brain. One can never go back, yesterday is done. Today is now and it's the only "real" we have. I can never recover nightmares. I can never recover precious times.

So even if I did finally absorb the fact that I'm still young and death is not appropriate to think about, there is still the reality that old age isn't promised to me, it's not promised to you. Today is what we have, death strikes anywhere, any time. So relying on old age isn't always possible, though probable in many cases. So the ugly finality of death is still in my mind.

Another thing, I'm scared of death because life is all I know. I'm scared not to "be here" because I don't really know what "being there" means. Who is the me that would be somewhere else? I don't know that person. I don't know the "old me" either, in this life. It's all surreal. I'm scared of life without my husband, my kids, and having them in the way I've always known. It's the unknown that gets me.

I need to think Heavenly thoughts to comfort myself.
And I know I think entirely too much about things that some people would never think. One thing is for sure, I think I can look back at my twenties and remember a time when I realized that life was a breath, and how much that tore at me.


  1. I must say as someone who has completely shredded apart this thought and many more morbid/depressing than it, there's nothing here to worry about. It's appointed to a man once to die. We don't know with any certainty what happens after that. Today is all we are guaranteed. What is there to be unsettled about? We can't change it by worrying about it; depressing yourself over it is fruitless and robs you of the vigor you should be living today with.

    I'm sure perhaps you could argue how I couldn't possibly understand because I don't have a family and such, but to me, to be frightened of uncertainty is a flaw in thinking to work past. Since when is it our responsibility and/or right as humans to know everything? I understand the thirst for knowledge very well, it's one of the few driving impetuses I have left in life. However, I've learned to accept constant uncertainty. I'm not scared of not knowing, to say simply. It's my earnest belief you and others who have wrestled the same concepts would benefit from accepting those unknowable variables for what they are and just living peaceably with them. You could die at any moment. John could die at any moment. One of your children or loved ones could die at any moment. Fretting about such things however is a moot point. It can't lead anywhere but a deep-set paranoia and paralyzing fear which would permanently ruin you.

  2. I see what you're saying. I agree with that. I can't sit around and obsess over it, it's ruining today.