na

here is my haiku
you helped me to write it down
my thoughts into words

n/a

I haven't been adding to my "1,000" list.

Perhaps the things exist to fill it, though.

When I'm driving, I think of things I could say. I wish I could erase my thoughts and be happy, get out of my own head.

I wish I never would have hurt you, and you'd still be with me. But whatever is wrong, I guess I can't fix it right now. I'm too broken to fix anything.

I hate how life hurts...specifically, people hurt. People hurt other people. People, hurt. People hurt.

But blah blah blah. Maybe I should just grow a second impervious skin and get over it. Build a bridge.

I need to figure out how to love people. Because right now, I just feel that I don't.

untitled.

Yesterday, I took the three kids to the Mcdonald's PlayPlace. We stayed for three hours. *Three hours.* Threeeeee hoooooours( say it that last time in slow motion with your face kind of dragging downwards). 

On a side note, I just found this: 

http://gizmodo.com/5821876/letting-your-kid-play-in-a-mcdonalds-playplace-means-theyre-probably-covered-in-poop

So basically, I let my kids play in poop for three hours straight. We'll get back to that. Actually, no, I'm not going to get back to that. Let's just say...I enhance their immune system by letting them play in public plastic tunnels where other poopy kids go, too. Ember is my poopy kid. There was actually a poop incident there. I didn't bring in enough diapers for Ember. She smelled for a while...maybe even grossing out an individual or two, who knows. Then she left the place wearing one of Jonathan's diapers. It just never goes the way a parenting magazine lays it out for you. Ha. 

Upon arrival, a strict worker told me I could not bring outside drinks in. So I threw away the remainder of my DQ frozen hot chocolate away in front of her. Why would she attack another fast food item? Doesn't she know they all share the same goal of  selling "food" and destroying our health? :) Then I asked at the counter if my kids could drink their soy milk I brought for them. Apparently, you aren't supposed to bring in outside drinks. So my kids were probably the only ones there that day drinking gmo soy milk with their McChickens. If that makes the whole experience a little less evil, I'll take it.

On another side note, I just found this:

http://soonerman.wordpress.com/2011/09/21/friends-dont-let-friends-eat-mcchickens/

A snippet, " Eating a McChicken in the morning is basically telling yourself, “Well, there’s no point in showering today.” The mayonnaise makes you surrender any and all ambitions. The self-loathing and worthlessness you feel post-McChicken is never worse than when the “ingredients” lay siege to your intestines."

So I guess, just remind yourself of certain things before you order a McChicken. 

Whilst there,  I was able to have a nice chat with a friend of my cousin.  Then, I talked with a lady who had a baby seven days apart from Jonathan. She asked me if I minded if she breastfed. Of course I told her how offended I was!! (No, not for real, goodness.) So she just pulls out her breasts and starts feeding her baby. It was simple. I was a little less alone in the world yesterday. Heh. But I am usually the only one in a room pulling breasts. I do what have to do.

----

Flash forward to it being time to leave. It's dark outside (the moms who stay forever *always* leave when it's dark). River is willing to leave because I've committed to getting her an orange drink in the car. Ember, she's still a little new to reasoning. So she climbs back up into the tunnel with her coat and boots on. I am sitting there with River, and sleeping Jonathan, just a tad helpless. You know you'd climb in a tunnel to rescue a kid, but it's just something you'll avoid at all costs, otherwise, And, then there's the issue of, if I myself went into a tunnel, would then I myself need to be rescued? :) I'm simply not a small and agile. "

Characterized by quickness, lightness, and ease of movement; nimble. www.thefreedictionary.com/agile

Yeah, no, not me. And definitely not in strategically placed tubes in the air.

But I digress. I was able to bribe her out peacefully with chocolate. It's official, the love of chocolate is genetic. No getting around it. I left there peacefully, with three kids. You never want to be *that mom* with the kid who is crying and throwing fits while you're trying to exit somewhere. It's not like I haven't been there. But again, some things you try to avoid :)

Well, I'll end it now. Onward to today. 

Aftermath

People are moving on. The world is moving on. A darkness is still present, and I sense it. Eighteen children. Everything I have to say is irrelevant. None of my life hardships are hard. Not right now.

It hurts. A knife twist in my belly, dripping blood  emotion. I wait for the scarring, the fading, the pain to silence. We'll be a healed up memory.

Somehow I  always end up here. I'm too real and so it hurts. I'm too much for other people, for myself.

I love my son, though. I'm afraid. I'm upset. I'm locked inside this nightmare with him, every step of the way and and I will God will see him through.

somber day, rainy day. an opportunity for my husband now squelched, but please let it open a new door. one we can all fit through, one we'll find contentment on the other side of.

and please baby jonathan be well. i want you.