i'm in such an introspective mood right now that my stomach hurts. death cab is playing and i wish it would rain, rain, rain. and wash away all the wrong in my life. i know i'm not doing everything right, and i need to fix it. i'm sorry God for failing You.

some days i'm happy and don't think too much (there's my drawback, i think way too much). i can laugh and make jokes, i can make fun of myself. i can believe that my life is unequivocally going in the right direction, and all i have to do is wait. it's the life-is-so-horrible-but-i-can-still-be-interminably-happy type day... i love these days. these days make up who i believe i am. these days define me more than i believe the sad ones do. the real "me" transpires.

other days, the nostalgia and anxiety in my belly eclipse me. there's a deep sadness that swirls around beneath the layers of my soul and i don't know how to get rid of it. a deep feeling of something "wrong" or an unsettled feeling. i've always been this way. ever since i can remember. even intense as a child, i've just never caught a break. it's just too bad there's no pill to purge myself of this quandary. it's just too bad i can't be a naturally happy person with simple cares and not one fear. not one. why can't i like planting gardens? why don't i know how to pick out a picture and hang it up on my bare walls? what am i so afraid of? decisons, decisons. they're scary.


happiness has never come naturally for me. i've always had to discover it, whether by chance or by working for it. just like everything else in my life that is important, i will continue to fight for it. and hopefully one day make peace with myself.
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I've been annoying myself. I have been caring about way too many things that don't even matter in the long run. Really, I have my whole life ahead of me. Why should I care about this or that and the other thing? I know right now what I'm saying does not make much sense to the untrained eye (o.k., any eye). Let me clarify. This is my story. I need to write it in my own way and in my own time. God is my judge, and in the end it's up to Him how I did. Nobody else gets to judge and/or define my life, especially by strict societal "standards" which also mean nothing.

And here's another thing. I'm getting tired of being obsessed with germs. This whole thing is stupid. I've never been like this before, why suddenly start up now? Life is full of germs, and some are even necessary for human life to build up good immune systems. They aren't going anywhere, and neither am I. That's not to say that I will now live my life as a dirty slob. No, that's to say I am now on the path to healing...I will no longer wonder/have anxiety about invisible things that I can't see waiting to hurt my family and I. It's ridiculous. This person who I've been lately isn't who I really am. I need to focus, focus, focus.

And (yes, one more paragraph that starts with and, because I don't feel like being all wordy and original right now), I'd like to get River involved with The Little Gym some day in the not too far away future. I think it's possibly one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Mothers chasing around their little babies, bells, bubbles, soft gym contraptions, monkey bars. It doesn't get any more exciting than that for a one year old. Let me tell you! And I hope I meet some nice people along the way.

<3

I just scarfed down another drinkable soup with a lean cuisine sandwich. Diet foods are always a little unpredictable. One can never quite know what to expect with diet food. Often it's either soggy, limp, and tasteless, or surprisingly almost o.k. food for a frozen meal within a box labeled "lean." I put the lean cuisine sandwiches in the latter category. They are a refreshing option in the dull and depressing world of diet food. Does anyone else have any more refreshing ideas on low calorie but taste filled foods? I would love to hear them. I would also like to know if anyone found anything praise worthy in the frozen section (my favorite aisle because I dislike cooking, unless of course it involves the one, the only, the microwave).
Church today, and I had the nursery. I had a tiny baby girl for the first half of the service. Adorable. I really didn't get any stabbing pains in the stomach, as if to feel, hey, where is MY baby at? He/she should still be here, growing happily inside me. (Of course now thinking about babies hurts again. It's an on and off type thing.) Rather, my feelings leaned more towards knowing in my heart that this baby is very adorable, and a baby is still something I know I'd like to try for again in the future. And I'm not in as much a rush as before (o.k., so I'm still in a little rush, hehe). I just feel less the need to compete with people and see how fast I can push out my offspring. I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now. Important things I should take the time to figure out and investigate. I'm also going to school, and obtaining my degree will be a major milestone in my life. I'd also like to continue my education after that. Who knows? Some art or piano classes, more classes on drug/alcohol addiction (possibly the most interesting facet of my field...to me at least). Yes, I am venturing onwards, pregnancy may or may not be a part of my near future, I still have a very full life to attend to regardless.
Alright everybody, I will see you all on the flip side. Have a fantastic week.

the dreaded dress.

My very good friend Staci came and visited me the other day as she was dropping River off. (She actually had River twice last week, that's right, someone actually braved her twice. And Staci even managed to paint her toenails. If you know anything about my daughter, you know you'll need tricks up your sleeve to manage anything like that.) With her she brought information about a doctor who specializes in pain, particularly TMJ and headaches, along with a myriad of other symptoms. He believes there are no symptoms without causes. My husband and I both think that we should save up money so I can see this doctor. Even if it's not the last stop for me, in lieu of physical maladies, giving up is not the right answer either. I will die trying.
In other news, the much anticipated (and dreaded) brother's wedding is coming up. On one hand I am excited. I love weddings, I love receptions, I love the feeling of romance in the air, all the people gathered. I love the cake! On the OTHER hand (the hand that's too fat for me to wear my wedding ring) I dread the thought of walking down the aisle wearing a renaissance dress in front of everyone with all this extra weight on me. I am shamed as a woman for not being able to take off the baby weight. Those celebrities do it so quickly. If anything the hormones have kicked my butt and I've gained weight after the baby. I'm not who I used to be, I can't just skip a meal and tra la la, back to the skinny jeans. Ugh, I wish I could be a teenager again. Although I was never really a skinny person (ever) I was almost down to my goal weight in 2005, when I was 18.
Back to the point of my story. Me, renaissance dress. Dainty shawl which will expose every nook and cranny of my arms and back. I should at least be thankful that the dress is long. And very pretty. And that my brother is marrying the woman he loves. You know what, I am ridiculous. There is a lot going on in the world right now, and I'm stressing over a bridesmaid dress. I need to get over it! Or in it. lol. No but seriously, I'll survive. It's May 30th. Pictures, pictures to come.

yard sale mishap

Yesterday I went to a church yard sale. We stopped quickly by whilst we were in a rush to go elsewhere (Berkeley to pick up my dress for my brother's wedding, and then onto David's Bridal and grad rehearsal).

So I saw this really yummy candle! It must not have been too yummy, for I forget the flavor. But it was green and passionate looking. I opened it up, and melted wax spilled on my light blue shirt. No, this is unacceptable. This cannot happen, I have places to go, people to see. So I scurried quickly over to the mounds of clothing (if you frequent yard sales then you know they can be exhausting!) and I saw and my size. Naturally I take it, no matter what the t-shirt design. The right size is a gem in the messy messy world of thrift shopping.

Long story short, I spend the rest of the day in a dark blue shirt with large bright blue cursive letters, "who's your daddy?" (Pause, and think about me wearing that shirt. ME.)

Needless to say, I was the only one at rehearsal wearing a red sweater zipped all the way up. It was for their protection! But I'm sure the ladies at David's Bridal thought me to be quite strange. Coming in with that attire, and then trying on such a pretty dress. I'm not even sure if the shirt was gender appropriate. All I know is it only cost 50 cents. And I'd rather look ridiculous than look dirty!

weeeeell.

wow, so today is finally here. i've been waiting forever...okay not really, today is just your average gotta get through this day. i'm posting again because i feel compelled to, not because i actually have anything worth saying.

the most exciting thing about my day is the pizza hut tuscani pasta/breadsticks in my refridgerator. that's not saying very much. i do, however, get to go to chocolate world on saturday with ash, her mother, her grandmother, her grandmother's friend, and the babes. Maybe there is someone else thrown into the mix. No, chocolate world is not in CANDY LAND, thank you very much. i believe it's located in hershey park, and it is a heaven sent location whose commission is to teach its visitors all about the wonders of making chocolate. apparently there's a ride there that gives its participants a piece of free chocolate in the end. don't kid yourself, kristine. you'll be on this ride 30+ times. unless of course i break down and just buy a choco bar. jeebs.

i also just found out that i had to add another class onto my fall schedule, which really isn't toooo big a deal, since i only had one class. i'm just trying to think of river, and the car, and different repsonsibilities that having another class might conflict with. but this is an online class so it really shouldn't be too inconvenient. it's going to be about substance abuse, YAY. (i know that sounds really weird, but i have this uncanny interest in that section of the field, substance abuse, addictions. i love it, i want a job working with them. i've never been personally addicted to a substance myself, but i can definitely relate to a loss of control. and we've all been addicted to something or other in this life, it may or may not have been cocaine. in the long run, addiction is addiction. and freedom is required for happiness).

whew! okay have a great day everybody.

bathroom calamity.

Unbelievable. For three whole days I was taking only half the amount of antibiotics I should have been, and twice the amount of vicodin prescribed. Apparently I don't know how to read labels? New plan, take the recommended dose of augmentin and try to stay the heck away from vicodin. It does me little good, anyway.

Now onto more exciting news. Last night I was locked out of my bathroom (what can I say, I'm an idiot some days) and John had to come to my rescue at 12am something. Then, this morning after my shower I couldn't get out of the bathroom, so now we have John coming to my rescue again at almost 7am something. What if he just took the door off altogether? JEEBS.

Now today at 10am I have a CT scan to see if there is any cause for my draining emotionally and physically chronic headaches/other really weird stuff that's not been diagnosed. Hopefully they find nothing, but a part of me almost wishes they'd find SOMETHING, then that way I'd know what was wrong. And they could treat it. And I could just move on with my life. I'm perpetually stuck in limbo, just waiting for the doctors to figure it out. In the meantime I casually beg Jesus to take this cross from me because I can't handle it anymore. If He thinks I'm strong enough, I'll persist. My life could be a lot worse. It could be better, but it could be a lot worse. I have a lot to be thankful for in the end.