my life into words.

2011-11-05T07:07:00.003-04:00

well, my life is changing again. i guess it's supposed to. it might hurt some, but i've got to go with it. i still have my husband and my children. God will provide me with the rest.

if only i could get rid of this unsettling doubt i have all the time.

2011-06-18T19:49:00.007-04:00

here's an excerpt from 2006, i was a teenager. It looks like symptoms.

"Sometimes I hate how much I feel. I get sick of every sight and sensation, even small things become intense or catastrophic. Like, I'm on the highway and I am (insanely) aware of the blinkers, and I stare at them as they switch from lane to lane. Where do they all think they're going? Sometimes I lie in bed and I think about so much, or become so guilty about things that I've done, that my mind just races and I permanently go into panic mode. My whole body will tense up, and I can't go to sleep. My legs hurt."

The thing about OCD, is that even if I try to rid a thought, block a thought, neutralize a thought, replace a thought, mentally compulse a thought, make the thoughts make sense/ whatever it is I do in my head to these thoughts...the fear is still there. The anxiety is still there. Whatever shut off valve normal people have, I must not have. In the face of a rational thought, the irrational remains. The whole gist of this illness is fear. The d stands for demon, as I've read somewhere else.

OCD is like being crazy, but still being sane enough to watch yourself be crazy. Is there anything else like it in the world? At the very least, I've read that it's thought people with this condition have higher intelligence, just because of the thought processes.

"It has been proposed that sufferers are generally of above-average intelligence, as the very nature of the disorder necessitates complicated thinking patterns.^{[73]" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive–compulsive_disorder).}

^{Woohoo. I'm smart enough to be blessed with a curse. It's true though, the thoughts keep rolling in and out and back in again. They layer one another, crash into one another. It is not pleasant. But to an extent there is an invisibility to it, so I kind 0f still go on with life. Life goes on, regardless of how severe or how mild it happens to be for me.}

^{When all is said and done, I'd like to be unimpressed by whatever insane notions my mind presents to me. I'd like to use the logical part of my mind to defeat all illogical. I'd like to let go of doubts and unknowns, as clinging to absoluteness is sometimes futile. I wish to separate myself from certain thoughts and tell myself it isn't me. That the real me is the one that is letting go of this thought RIGHT NOW instead of clinging, obsessing, etc. The real me is not the thought itself, rather the one denying the thought. I need to have belief in my own strength.}

^{As for how I like everything "in its place"...well, it's helping me keep my place clean. Granted, no one needs the extra stress of feeling the loss of control when things get messy, but if I were to choose the worst aspect of myself, it wouldn't be the cleaning compulsions. One day (hopefully) I'll let go and relax more. Things can't be perfect with kids around, anyway. They're already not. But not too much relaxation... we're not living in filth, and I am not ending up on that show Hoarders.}

^{I need to write here more often. But I also need to quit forsaking the crap out of my journal. What if i regret tomorrow not writing down the details of today.}

^{My kids are driving me nuts. Side note.}

2011-04-27T17:17:00.003-04:00

This Saturday I have a spring concert I'm doing with the Hagerstown Chorale. I think this is going to be one of the most special memories of my life.

----

I could point fingers and blame the environment and genetics. But in the end, I am responsible for my o.c.d. This is my challenge that I've been given in this life. I am responsible for what I do with myself and what decisions I make in light of this illness. I can't do a blame game, I have to take responsibility for my actions and thoughts. And I can't just assume that I will be sick forever and become delusional. I have to assume that I have a choice, that I can be well (or at the very least, manageable).

One of the worst parts about o.c.d. are the obsessions. Ones you can't shake no matter how hard you try. Ones that don't have obvious compulsions to match. But the compulsions suck, too. Like, I have to clean up this area right now and put things back into their places. Or the world will fall apart. The whole apartment will get to a place I can't control. That is a theme related to o.c.d. Control. And fear. But just what do I really think will happen if I don't do this, or that, or the other thing? What am I so afraid of? Another irritating part is my concern over the placements of objects. Like, sometimes I'll open up the junk drawer and move stuff around until it's "right." And don't even get me started on the over-thinking and overanalyzing of words and thoughts. Or just the overall guilt over everything. I better stop now before you try to prescribe me medication.

I think I do have a part of me that can look at myself and say, look, you're being ridiculous. But then there is the crazy kristine that is lurking beneath the surface. Just waiting to burst out into the next episode of anxiety.

2011-02-01T13:38:00.006-05:00

I want to stop thinking about death. I think about it a lot, I know that I shouldn't because I'm so young. But its inevitability really affects me. A 24 year old should be all ladeda-I-have-my-whole-life-ahead-of-me-death-isn't-much-to-wonder-about-right-now. But to me, the space between 24 and old age is almost a night. And it really really bothers me that memories are just that, memories. They aren't tangible, they're over. They're almost not really real, only passing thoughts in the brain. One can never go back, yesterday is done. Today is now and it's the only "real" we have. I can never recover nightmares. I can never recover precious times.

So even if I did finally absorb the fact that I'm still young and death is not appropriate to think about, there is still the reality that old age isn't promised to me, it's not promised to you. Today is what we have, death strikes anywhere, any time. So relying on old age isn't always possible, though probable in many cases. So the ugly finality of death is still in my mind.

Another thing, I'm scared of death because life is all I know. I'm scared not to "be here" because I don't really know what "being there" means. Who is the me that would be somewhere else? I don't know that person. I don't know the "old me" either, in this life. It's all surreal. I'm scared of life without my husband, my kids, and having them in the way I've always known. It's the unknown that gets me.

I need to think Heavenly thoughts to comfort myself.
And I know I think entirely too much about things that some people would never think. One thing is for sure, I think I can look back at my twenties and remember a time when I realized that life was a breath, and how much that tore at me.

New Year

2011-01-18T15:28:00.003-05:00

In regards to school, I'm backing out for a semester. Maybe more. I don't know. I guess maybe I'm tired of having an invisible competition with an elusive standard hanging over my head. It's pretty amazing that I'm coming to terms with this,though. I'm re-thinking the whole "get your degree now now now" thing. I got married. I had children. Maybe that gives me the luxury to spend all my time taking care of them and giving in to all of my cleaning compulsions, instead of being stressed out about things that are happening outside of the house. It seems sort of fair. I mean, they didn't ask to come into the world. I clearly did ask. So maybe I should sort of just do the mother thing for now and skip everything else if I feel like it's going to kill me while I'm still alive. Plus, I am now in the church choir, singing back up some Sundays, joining my dad's choir (Hagerstown Chorale), and thinking about finding a mommy group to join. I'm preoccupied. However, my sciences go bad in 2014...and I am just not repeating those. So I do need to get on the horse eventually.

I don't know what I want to write, I just know that I wanted to write. So many things happen, and I think, that is so cute, so great, I should journal it. I have good intentions. It just never happens. And no, this Internet blog kind of doesn't count. Only the real journal waiting for me in my kitchen counts, if that's even where I still left it. Only ink on paper counts for "real" real. This is neat, too, though. I suppose I wouldn't even have a blog if I assumed it counted for nothing. Plus, for some reason, I like people to be aware of some of my thoughts. Even though most couldn't care less about them. But I guess that's the point of a blog, putting them Out There. In the Universe. Then they can trip and fall and land wherever they're supposed to.

I'm going to try and diet this year. I know, I know, I probably say or think that at the beginning of every year. I also hope to blog here more, eat healthier, tithe, not go off the deep end again, treat my kids like precious gems, get more out of debt, address my sugar and diet coke addiction, be less socially awkward, pray and hear from God more, avoid the hospital, get along with my husband, use less fragmented sentences when I write here, get used to the chaos that is being a mother to kids, and uuuuh, I don't know. Love people more. Worry less. Blah Blah Blah. I probably match every next blogger with these goals.

I'm sitting here blogging with a FurReal cat on my lap, wrapped in a blanket. She'd almost be real if her batteries weren't dead. In all of my Internet indulged days, I never imagined I'd one day be typing like this. Boy, kids. They bring you to a reality that is out of this world. And some people (who probably don't have kids) probably think they're not such a big deal. Especially because so many people have kids. It's not unique to have children, no. Yet the experience is so impossibly unique for all of us...no one really understands all of the ranting about children until they take the dive for themselves.

Good day.

2010-07-27T15:26:00.003-04:00

Today I was so bored that I cooked a chicken dish, listened to techno music, and cleaned the inside of my refrigerator. I suppose some people would go see a movie or take a walk. This is what happens when you have two little people. Mommy, mommy, mommy. Wah, wah, wah. Life takes everything you have and then asks for more. So you oblige. As I'm dancing with River in the kitchen to this old techno music, it's almost like I'm re living a memory I have somewhere in my head. Of my childhood. Music playing and my mother cooking in the kitchen. Cleaning, and dancing, and cooking. So normal. But not.

(I want to rewrite my children differently. Can I?)

I want to let go and enjoy this moment with River, but I just can't. Not completely. And that's the dark side of who I am. I'm the kind of person that can have fun all night at a party, but then go home and cry. God, just like...I want to let go and have some semblance of peace, but it's so hard to let go when you remember certain things...like, for example, how finite life is. Why let go completely and relax? When you do, you just grow old and die and lose it all. All my children, all my work. Why should I love every moment when every moment is doomed to end anyway? This is where my thoughts travel when I don't pull them together. I'm not a naturally happy person, I have to work at it. My life circumstances really make it hard for me. But I have to pull myself together and remember things like God, Heaven, Love. The Big Picture. But even Heaven I approach with some trepidation, just because of its unfamiliarity. Yes, Christians aren't supposed to be afraid of The End. Well, I am. Because I don't know anything else besides what I've known here. And the mind that I have now can't even conceive of a life where I don't hold babies and my husband and have intertwining days of pain and relief. I'll miss them in that way, my family.

I just think too darn much. Way way way too much. I don't want to go back on anxiety medication. I don't really know that I need it...because then there are the Good Days. The days that encourage me to persist. One day life won't be so difficult anymore. I just need to believe that.

2010-06-12T16:52:00.004-04:00

I wish that I could go back and be with John in New York again. In our little studio apartment. Before my life insurmountably changed. Even though we still needed so much, life was a lot more simple. Before I became pregnant and violently ill, anyway.We slept on the floor and then transitioned to a futon. Then we went into debt for a mattress and box spring. I bought an adorable blanket from Target to spread across it. I made this terrible dish consisting of boiled potatoes and onions, from what I remember. I forget if I was sick for these things. When I was sick, I probably used the bathtub and Internet as escapes. I had to come back to Maryland because I was bedridden a lot of the day, but I wonder what would have happened if I handled it better. Would we still be there? That's another topic entirely though.
I don't always interpret this parenting thing as sunshine and lollipops like some parents seem to. I wish I did. I wish I were the perfect parent, but the truth is I am nowhere near it. It would be wonderful if some day I forgot all the mistakes I've made already - and in the future a pink candy coating glossed their childhood, my parenthood. I know, I know. There are parents out there a lot worse than me. But there are better, too. I can be better. It bugs me. Two things that drive me the most insane are A) messes of any kind and B) an impatient or rough toddler being annoying/loud/dangerous/crying/getting in the way/throwing tantrums/being on repeat/you get the picture, lol/etc. But both A and B pretty much sum up a large chunk of childhood. So it's unfortunate that I let my patience wear so thin. What I need to do is get over it, because the truth is, I love them. I could probably never love anyone more. They mean everything to me, and I really can't imagine my life without having yet another one. I knew I've always wanted children. But there are just so many personal obstacles for me to climb before I can wholly enjoy them.
I really do wonder if I thought parenting was a joke though. When I saw that cute baby sock in the laundry mat in New York...which precipitated me wanting a baby. Oh, a baby sock, how cuuuute! Let's do it! Well...it's not a joke. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to daily face (that, and some health issues I have...but I think parenting is more difficult than those, even). It's a lot of hard work, and my life isn't mine anymore. And the race is on to take care of little ones who need me all of the time, but not lose myself in the process.

2010-05-08T23:04:00.002-04:00

This is it. I must endure every wave until this child comes to fruition. There is no going back - a road with no u-turns, a train that will not fall off its tracks. No stopping. The end. The beginning.
The emotions are mixed.

2010-02-01T20:17:00.002-05:00

me - why do you need me?

him - because i can't do it without you.

me - what, the whole mommy/daddy thing?

him - no, the whole life thing.

2010-01-28T09:47:00.003-05:00

facebook is starting to annoy me. mainly because I'm starting to annoy myself. I wonder what would happen if someone actually shut down my facebook account? would I have breathing problems? i don't like to be dependent that much on anything. i'm curious as to why it's relevant for me to post irrelevant details about my life. irrelevant to most of the facebook population, that is. I think I need to step back from updating so much. And the site certainly doesn't need checked any more than a few times a day. even that is putting it on par with eating and other daily activities, and it probably shouldn't be. some things i refuse to get over though. such as finding out important updates and photos. i love the photos part. so i definitely won't be ditching facebook altogether. i think i just need to step back a little bit because i'm taking it to an extreme. luckily for me in a few weeks once this semester starts to pick up (it's a killer) and i have this baby, i will no longer have the time to waste.
i also remind myself that i can have a very obsessive personality. i went through phases with other social networking sites too. i remember i thought it was the end of the world when my dad wouldn't purchase aol for the computer. i was signing on and off aim religiously - addicted to "user info." then it was xanga. then it was myspace. now it's facebook. this too shall pass.

2010-01-04T16:35:00.005-05:00

But that's all pain I can mainly block out on a daily basis. My denigrated relationship with my mother is nothing new. I'll always have a hole in my heart. But I guess that's God's job to fill. Lately I have been getting in way too many arguments with John. The move, both of us going back to school, and now job hunting, tight finances, weight gain, health problems, my intentions to keep a clean apartment, and a stressful pregnancy...are all just making this for a super fun way to start 2010. I am so stressed out, I don't even remember most of my life before I started paying bills and worrying about marriage and children. What on earth could have upset me from day to day? The old me who got upset over not finding the perfect pair of pants or having an unclear face (or whatever plucked my nerves as a teenager) is long gone. She's dead. I'm now on Craigslist looking for good deals on footie pajamas and wondering how in the world I'm going to afford textbooks for college. I can't wait to just get past this whole school thing. Much suffering now, hopefully to pay off in the end.

And all of this is nothing compared to what some people are facing right now. Dear God, just make me grow up.

2009-12-17T07:27:00.003-05:00

Holy cow batman. I'm just about 20 weeks pregnant, and I'm up 13 lbs. This is not good. When you're overweight to start with (and I was) then you can stand to gain only 10 to 20 lbs. Not gaining any weight at all would also suffice, actually. I have been trying for the most part to eat moderate to small amounts. Sure, some days I cave to cravings. Cave and crave just happen to rhyme. Irony? I think not. Try being pregnant and NOT caving. For some reason, food becomes this big deal when preggy. And not just any food, a certain kind of food. I seriously cried over KFC the other week. But as soon as the craving passed, I passed up fried chicken on a buffet I was later at. Then it was warheads. Now they're in the cupboard. It's like, this thing just comes over you and forces you to "gotta have it RIGHT NOW." I can't even explain it.
Anyway, back to the point. Most of the time I'm aware that I'm carrying an extra tractor trailer around, and I need to be conscious of every decision I make. It's kind of hard when you're nauseous half the day, and the other half spontaneously experiencing this insatiable hunger. FOOD NOW.
So WHERE is this 13 lbs at? If I was not pregnant, I would not have gained 13 lbs. I just need to tell myself that. I was not eating enough to warrant a 13 lb gain. So dear God, please let it all be in my uterus! Or please just let it be a 13 lb baby, and have them cut it out of me!
In other news, I think I managed to make A's in both of my classes this semester. Which is pretty unbelievable because I hardly read the textbooks. I barely studied. I did what I had to do, and I was done with it. The bare minimum effort, if you will. Half butting it. Facebook, household chores, and River got way more of my time. Next semester I won't be able to float along so easily. I'll be almost full time. So this may be a practice trial for the real sha-bang. I just hope I survive. Dear God, please let me SURVIVE. There are so many other things I'd rather be up to than studying Western Civilization (I know, that sounds terrible). My Social Work classes have the potential to be very interesting, but I'm just weary. Too weary to throw myself at them 100 per cent. I guess I've chosen to do so many things at once that I can't be 100 per cent to anything. I guess it's just a time of sacrifice.

<3Love you all

2009-11-23T21:49:00.002-05:00

Basically, I'm overwhelmed. I think I've seriously bitten off more than I could chew this time. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Next semester is doable, I just need to pace myself. This will be the first and last time I ever consider doing double classes in one subject in one semester. The first half of the semester I'll have an accelerated history, and my second half I'll have yet another accelerated history. That doesn't include the two other social work classes taken at the same time. Might I have to set the alarm in the middle of the night, just so I can sleep but also get up and read this crap? One does not yet know. Wow, I'm tired. Exhaustion just hit me, you know that feeling you get in your eyes. Woo. I'll be almost a full time student, a full time wife, a full time mother, and a full time maid. There's no point in complaining, this is the life I chose. And I love the ones I'm with.

<3

2009-10-22T07:52:00.002-04:00

If George W Bush were an idiot

If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a teleprompter installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how he inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?

If George W.. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVDs, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?

If George W.. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?

If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia , would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made
reference to the nonexistent "Austrian language,
" would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?

If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?

If George W. Bush had mis-spelled the word "advice" would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potatoe as proof of what a dunce he is?

If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?

If George W. Bush's administration had okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11?

If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans , would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?

If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?

If George W Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?

So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive?

Can't think of anything? Don't worry.

He's done all this in 8 months -- so you'll have three years and four months to come up with an answer.

**I didn't make this up.

2009-10-09T19:48:00.001-04:00

I really really want to see Chris Rock's new documentary, Good Hair. It looks so funny and informative. I have no clue why I would be attracted to this, it has nothing to do with me in reality. But I'm simply fascinated. So I guess in the coming weeks I'll be looking for a way to see it!

2009-09-20T08:59:00.001-04:00

Dear God, please let this sickness pass by me and make me a stronger person.

2009-09-09T07:17:00.001-04:00

I don't know who I want to be.

for me, by ashely. the bff.

2009-08-20T16:17:00.003-04:00

for her.

Beyond facades,
And plastic smiles
That are a pain to wear.
Beyond forcing words that aren't there.
Well you don't have to say a thing.

With mascara running, hair undone
You're stunning.
Tears can't wash your beauty away,
Brokenness can't mar it.
You don't have to impress me,
Or worry about raw moments I see.
Because I want to be there,
I choose to be here for you.

Imperfection permeates this mortal state
We find ourselves in.
We can't always win.

Life is pain.
But I am here.

And know that I am broken with you.

I am with you,
On this quest for betterness.

2009-08-07T22:25:00.005-04:00

wow. what a kick in the stomach. i googled "kristinelovesrain" and suddenly i'm reading comments i've posted to people five years ago. when transported to the past, i usually get sad. why? i have this nevereverending desire to go back. and it's an impossible wish. get over it kristine. everyone lives. everyone dies. there is no going back from here.

same here! i'm almost 17, and i've done plenty of dreaming about the wedding. if you find a pic, make sure you tell me when it's up!

and yes, the hair just has to be down. it adds so much more. who would want to hide it?

<3>

this was posted on my friend christine's old xanga. john and i broke up that year, and that year i was mentally torn in half (those who know me say, what year haven't you been? but trust me, this year was 2nd worst in all my life). i still found it in me to somehow post something about a wedding. i insinuated dreams of my own wedding. i wonder what i wanted, what i aspired it to be? i'm sure nothing i got in reality in regards to my wedding day was anything i'd ever plan. but i really loved my wedding. i don't regret the day. oh yes, and i wore my hair down. <3

and then in 2006, i was jealous that my friend laura went to scotland (and i don't get to travel much). and i said this, "for once i'd like to see further than what i do...just like my mind does..." now i THINK (think think think) i was making an interesting connection between my body's ability to travel and my mind's. how i wished my body could travel as much as my mind's. but alas, this was three years ago. and who has time to sit down and analyze their thoughts from three years ago? and who puts their comments into the deep memory reserve banks anyway?

<33kristine

man, all this sentimentality makes me want to play head automatica's beating hearts baby.

2009-08-01T17:54:00.004-04:00

Ann, you are absolutely right. I wish there was a "FOOD OFF" button in my head. I spend way too much time thinking about it. And apparently not enough time thinking the correct thoughts. For I am currently ten pounds heavier than what I was after I gave birth to River early last year. Excuse me if I'm incorrect, but I thought actually having the baby meant that it was time for the mother to DEFLATE, not INFLATE. I guess my body undergoes "inflation" with the rate of the economy. This is just disastrous. Alright, not quite that. But it's...devastating to me in my personal life.

I am tired of walking around wearing only three pairs of pants and t-shirts (half of them my husband's). Oh I am much too stubborn to actually buy new clothes (but I've been thinking about it lately). That would admit defeat. O.k. body, I surrender to your new state of fatness, if this is the way it's going to be, give me some time to go on a shopping spree for plus sized clothes. Ack. I don't even feel like I EAT that much. But apparently I have to friggin starve myself to lose five lbs. I am convinced this is partly hormonal. Before I had River, I was able to maintain, binge, and lose when I felt like it. Now I am trapped in someone else's body, learning how to maneuver the peddles. Oh wait, this IS my body. It's a different body for sure.

---

Onto other news, summer class is ending soon and the fall classes are starting at Salisbury. The fall will likely be even more intense than the summer. I've figured out why people suggest finishing school before having babies. The two mix like oil and water (but it can be done if stirred vigorously enough, at least for a few more semesters!) I can enjoy neither school nor baby to its fullest extent. The two don't rotate simultaneously. They are both there, vying for my attention. If it's not a book put on hold, it's River. I miss the days when I could truly be excited for school, not have to worry about an infant, dive into the alternate reality of books and classes and other intelligent people. But I also don't know what I'd do without River, she's changed my life forever. And I hate having to shoo her away from my books, make her play by herself while I do school related things. Either way, one will ultimately suffer a little until I finish. Unless there is some celestial balance that I haven't figured out yet. But I will not be so prideful to assume there is.

In the end, I'm making a choice to not stop. I can't stop because I know I have it in me to continue. One day River will understand that I'm doing this for all of us. And hopefully my other children won't have to carry the struggles that River has had to carry with John and I. I am choosing to be a stay at home mother and sacrificing the extra income. But in other ways I'm saving lots of money by staying at home and forfeiting the money. I will add this in for an extra off topic: being a stay at home mother is very repetitive and intense. An at home mother and the bond between the child is relentless and personal, exhausting, all consuming...and sometimes, downright boring. I would not expect a job I'll have someday to be as difficult as staying at home. I am choosing to finish school because I think it's a possible feat, an unpredictable imperfect balance at best, but possible. When I'm done, John is going too. I don't think I'd do anything different right now if given the choice to.

If I ever had another child, actually start the ball rolling with these social work classes, and John picks up more hours at work...I seriously don't know how I'll have to time to clean out the fridge.

2009-07-26T19:44:00.005-04:00

2009-07-20T18:36:00.003-04:00

symphony

i can no longer play the violin on my arms
no longer can i lullabye the blood
my musical malady

my hollow heart
plays the harp
on my skin

my somber soul
plays the harp
too

but i can no longer play the violin on my arms
no longer will i lullaby the blood
this is my concert finale.

© Kristine

---
finally something worth sharing.

2009-07-15T17:13:00.002-04:00

dear God please make me into snow or ice that sublimates into the atmosphere. goodbye strange cruel world. <3

2009-07-08T20:32:00.002-04:00

I hate for this to be another melodramatic blog with not much point or direction. But come hither (lol), why is every minute dragging on like it's actually an hour? I'm so undeserving of River and undeserving of today in general. People who complain about how slow the time goes must not appreciate life that much, seriously. I thrive on one form of stimulation to the next. I must continually be entertained. Kristine with dead space, bad news. I need a plan everyday. I need the "to-do" list, the chores, the going out and eating or shopping or running errands. Again, blank sheets, bad news.

We need a second car. That's what the agenda is tomorrow. Either we get a credit card or some sort of loan, because this one car dealio isn't cutting it anymore. I have school starting in the fall and I need a way to transport myself and River to her destination with Staci (just another form of independence I've had to sacrifice the past couple of years). But no more - I need this. If I can't finish school, I seriously wonder what the point of my life is other than being a mother? And you can't JUST be a mother. There has to be other aspects to one's life, whether it be hobbies, school, a job, a talent, an interest. I won't just live vicariously through River. And right now the thing for me is to finish school.

Just recently deemed ineligible for a job I rather wanted because I didn't have the proper licensure. It turns out that the application/accepting fees for licensure are $175 in total, and I don't even have the right about of credits in a certain subject to get it anyway. So there's another desire stomped and trampled on. Don't even get me started about watching my childhood dog`take his last breaths, or getting into an amazingly stupid fight with my brother. Or watching River empty the contents of my purse all over my room, quietly draw on my bed and her leg with an ink pen. I seriously need to get River Color Wonder products. She's starting to get into drawing and coloring, and Kristine will not have pen/marker/paint marks around the house. Never. How many calories were in that ice coffee I had earlier? There goes another 5 lbs stuck on my butt. Just another resolution that I never found the nerve to follow through on.

This post has been nothing but words stuck together to form a big random pile of negativity. Maybe I should just stop blogging altogether for a while unti I get it together.

2009-06-28T19:36:00.004-04:00

i'm in such an introspective mood right now that my stomach hurts. death cab is playing and i wish it would rain, rain, rain. and wash away all the wrong in my life. i know i'm not doing everything right, and i need to fix it. i'm sorry God for failing You.

some days i'm happy and don't think too much (there's my drawback, i think way too much). i can laugh and make jokes, i can make fun of myself. i can believe that my life is unequivocally going in the right direction, and all i have to do is wait. it's the life-is-so-horrible-but-i-can-still-be-interminably-happy type day... i love these days. these days make up who i believe i am. these days define me more than i believe the sad ones do. the real "me" transpires.

other days, the nostalgia and anxiety in my belly eclipse me. there's a deep sadness that swirls around beneath the layers of my soul and i don't know how to get rid of it. a deep feeling of something "wrong" or an unsettled feeling. i've always been this way. ever since i can remember. even intense as a child, i've just never caught a break. it's just too bad there's no pill to purge myself of this quandary. it's just too bad i can't be a naturally happy person with simple cares and not one fear. not one. why can't i like planting gardens? why don't i know how to pick out a picture and hang it up on my bare walls? what am i so afraid of? decisons, decisons. they're scary.

happiness has never come naturally for me. i've always had to discover it, whether by chance or by working for it. just like everything else in my life that is important, i will continue to fight for it. and hopefully one day make peace with myself.
---

2009-06-20T15:33:00.002-04:00

I've been annoying myself. I have been caring about way too many things that don't even matter in the long run. Really, I have my whole life ahead of me. Why should I care about this or that and the other thing? I know right now what I'm saying does not make much sense to the untrained eye (o.k., any eye). Let me clarify. This is my story. I need to write it in my own way and in my own time. God is my judge, and in the end it's up to Him how I did. Nobody else gets to judge and/or define my life, especially by strict societal "standards" which also mean nothing.

And here's another thing. I'm getting tired of being obsessed with germs. This whole thing is stupid. I've never been like this before, why suddenly start up now? Life is full of germs, and some are even necessary for human life to build up good immune systems. They aren't going anywhere, and neither am I. That's not to say that I will now live my life as a dirty slob. No, that's to say I am now on the path to healing...I will no longer wonder/have anxiety about invisible things that I can't see waiting to hurt my family and I. It's ridiculous. This person who I've been lately isn't who I really am. I need to focus, focus, focus.

And (yes, one more paragraph that starts with and, because I don't feel like being all wordy and original right now), I'd like to get River involved with The Little Gym some day in the not too far away future. I think it's possibly one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Mothers chasing around their little babies, bells, bubbles, soft gym contraptions, monkey bars. It doesn't get any more exciting than that for a one year old. Let me tell you! And I hope I meet some nice people along the way.

<3

2009-06-07T14:44:00.005-04:00

I just scarfed down another drinkable soup with a lean cuisine sandwich. Diet foods are always a little unpredictable. One can never quite know what to expect with diet food. Often it's either soggy, limp, and tasteless, or surprisingly almost o.k. food for a frozen meal within a box labeled "lean." I put the lean cuisine sandwiches in the latter category. They are a refreshing option in the dull and depressing world of diet food. Does anyone else have any more refreshing ideas on low calorie but taste filled foods? I would love to hear them. I would also like to know if anyone found anything praise worthy in the frozen section (my favorite aisle because I dislike cooking, unless of course it involves the one, the only, the microwave).
Church today, and I had the nursery. I had a tiny baby girl for the first half of the service. Adorable. I really didn't get any stabbing pains in the stomach, as if to feel, hey, where is MY baby at? He/she should still be here, growing happily inside me. (Of course now thinking about babies hurts again. It's an on and off type thing.) Rather, my feelings leaned more towards knowing in my heart that this baby is very adorable, and a baby is still something I know I'd like to try for again in the future. And I'm not in as much a rush as before (o.k., so I'm still in a little rush, hehe). I just feel less the need to compete with people and see how fast I can push out my offspring. I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now. Important things I should take the time to figure out and investigate. I'm also going to school, and obtaining my degree will be a major milestone in my life. I'd also like to continue my education after that. Who knows? Some art or piano classes, more classes on drug/alcohol addiction (possibly the most interesting facet of my field...to me at least). Yes, I am venturing onwards, pregnancy may or may not be a part of my near future, I still have a very full life to attend to regardless.
Alright everybody, I will see you all on the flip side. Have a fantastic week.

the dreaded dress.

2009-05-25T10:57:00.003-04:00

My very good friend Staci came and visited me the other day as she was dropping River off. (She actually had River twice last week, that's right, someone actually braved her twice. And Staci even managed to paint her toenails. If you know anything about my daughter, you know you'll need tricks up your sleeve to manage anything like that.) With her she brought information about a doctor who specializes in pain, particularly TMJ and headaches, along with a myriad of other symptoms. He believes there are no symptoms without causes. My husband and I both think that we should save up money so I can see this doctor. Even if it's not the last stop for me, in lieu of physical maladies, giving up is not the right answer either. I will die trying.
In other news, the much anticipated (and dreaded) brother's wedding is coming up. On one hand I am excited. I love weddings, I love receptions, I love the feeling of romance in the air, all the people gathered. I love the cake! On the OTHER hand (the hand that's too fat for me to wear my wedding ring) I dread the thought of walking down the aisle wearing a renaissance dress in front of everyone with all this extra weight on me. I am shamed as a woman for not being able to take off the baby weight. Those celebrities do it so quickly. If anything the hormones have kicked my butt and I've gained weight after the baby. I'm not who I used to be, I can't just skip a meal and tra la la, back to the skinny jeans. Ugh, I wish I could be a teenager again. Although I was never really a skinny person (ever) I was almost down to my goal weight in 2005, when I was 18.
Back to the point of my story. Me, renaissance dress. Dainty shawl which will expose every nook and cranny of my arms and back. I should at least be thankful that the dress is long. And very pretty. And that my brother is marrying the woman he loves. You know what, I am ridiculous. There is a lot going on in the world right now, and I'm stressing over a bridesmaid dress. I need to get over it! Or in it. lol. No but seriously, I'll survive. It's May 30th. Pictures, pictures to come.

yard sale mishap

2009-05-16T07:35:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I went to a church yard sale. We stopped quickly by whilst we were in a rush to go elsewhere (Berkeley to pick up my dress for my brother's wedding, and then onto David's Bridal and grad rehearsal).

So I saw this really yummy candle! It must not have been too yummy, for I forget the flavor. But it was green and passionate looking. I opened it up, and melted wax spilled on my light blue shirt. No, this is unacceptable. This cannot happen, I have places to go, people to see. So I scurried quickly over to the mounds of clothing (if you frequent yard sales then you know they can be exhausting!) and I saw and my size. Naturally I take it, no matter what the t-shirt design. The right size is a gem in the messy messy world of thrift shopping.

Long story short, I spend the rest of the day in a dark blue shirt with large bright blue cursive letters, "who's your daddy?" (Pause, and think about me wearing that shirt. ME.)

Needless to say, I was the only one at rehearsal wearing a red sweater zipped all the way up. It was for their protection! But I'm sure the ladies at David's Bridal thought me to be quite strange. Coming in with that attire, and then trying on such a pretty dress. I'm not even sure if the shirt was gender appropriate. All I know is it only cost 50 cents. And I'd rather look ridiculous than look dirty!

weeeeell.

2009-05-05T07:46:00.002-04:00

wow, so today is finally here. i've been waiting forever...okay not really, today is just your average gotta get through this day. i'm posting again because i feel compelled to, not because i actually have anything worth saying.

the most exciting thing about my day is the pizza hut tuscani pasta/breadsticks in my refridgerator. that's not saying very much. i do, however, get to go to chocolate world on saturday with ash, her mother, her grandmother, her grandmother's friend, and the babes. Maybe there is someone else thrown into the mix. No, chocolate world is not in CANDY LAND, thank you very much. i believe it's located in hershey park, and it is a heaven sent location whose commission is to teach its visitors all about the wonders of making chocolate. apparently there's a ride there that gives its participants a piece of free chocolate in the end. don't kid yourself, kristine. you'll be on this ride 30+ times. unless of course i break down and just buy a choco bar. jeebs.

i also just found out that i had to add another class onto my fall schedule, which really isn't toooo big a deal, since i only had one class. i'm just trying to think of river, and the car, and different repsonsibilities that having another class might conflict with. but this is an online class so it really shouldn't be too inconvenient. it's going to be about substance abuse, YAY. (i know that sounds really weird, but i have this uncanny interest in that section of the field, substance abuse, addictions. i love it, i want a job working with them. i've never been personally addicted to a substance myself, but i can definitely relate to a loss of control. and we've all been addicted to something or other in this life, it may or may not have been cocaine. in the long run, addiction is addiction. and freedom is required for happiness).

whew! okay have a great day everybody.

bathroom calamity.

2009-05-02T07:19:00.003-04:00

Unbelievable. For three whole days I was taking only half the amount of antibiotics I should have been, and twice the amount of vicodin prescribed. Apparently I don't know how to read labels? New plan, take the recommended dose of augmentin and try to stay the heck away from vicodin. It does me little good, anyway.

Now onto more exciting news. Last night I was locked out of my bathroom (what can I say, I'm an idiot some days) and John had to come to my rescue at 12am something. Then, this morning after my shower I couldn't get out of the bathroom, so now we have John coming to my rescue again at almost 7am something. What if he just took the door off altogether? JEEBS.

Now today at 10am I have a CT scan to see if there is any cause for my draining emotionally and physically chronic headaches/other really weird stuff that's not been diagnosed. Hopefully they find nothing, but a part of me almost wishes they'd find SOMETHING, then that way I'd know what was wrong. And they could treat it. And I could just move on with my life. I'm perpetually stuck in limbo, just waiting for the doctors to figure it out. In the meantime I casually beg Jesus to take this cross from me because I can't handle it anymore. If He thinks I'm strong enough, I'll persist. My life could be a lot worse. It could be better, but it could be a lot worse. I have a lot to be thankful for in the end.

update.

2009-04-29T09:07:00.003-04:00

so yesterday i saw the lady who did the procedure on me, and she informed that the ER person who said that to me had no idea what they were talking about. people who have d&c's do not routinely go home with antibiotics (at least under her care). i was able to let go of my anger rather quickly, that was as close as an apology i could come to, seeing as it wasn't her mistake after all. my husband says that i still have to let him sue somebody in some way. ridiculous, lol.

also, i almost ate an entire box of "fiber selects" wheat thins by myself last night. i can feel something going on down there, and i can tell i'm in for it. i didn't even buy them, my mother brought them over. oh why did i subject my body to this fiber induced torture. i gained two lbs, and now i won't have to eat again until next weekend. wow, i really suck at life some days.

headache, headache go away. never come back again.

macabre.

2009-04-27T21:53:00.004-04:00

Okay, so my hormones are absolutely raging. That is the only thing that could possibly have caused these symptoms I've been having. Yesterday I had a headache that was killing me and a fever. I called the doctor and she told me to take myself to the hospital. I thought I was only going to urgent care, but when I got there they did the whole IV thing, so I went to the actual ER area. I had a rather large dose of morphine, and my headache still didn't go away. And now I have vicodin at home, and it is also useless. I never knew my body could defy these sorts of medications. I'm officially freaked out!

Anyway, my experience at the hospital was unspeakable. It took three tries to get the IV in (meanwhile I'm crying while the bff is holding my hand) and then later on when it started to hurt (it happened to be in a very sensitive place, practically the only place on my arm where the veins weren't constricted, and the saline water and morphine were really hurting) and the nurse refused to remove it and find a new spot. Lazy. I wonder if that's even legal? Shouldn't I have jurisdiction over my own body, especially in full consciousness?

That was just the cake, here is the icing. In the end, a nurse (or ER tech?) had the tenacity to tell me it was my fault I got an infection because I didn't take my antibiotics I was prescribed after the procedure. I have proof, papers from the hospital disclosing the medicines I went home with, and antibiotics isn't on them. This OB office has been a nightmare,too. I actually took a pregnancy test with them and didn't get to go back until my first trimester was almost over. When I went in, they said they didn't even know I was pregnant because I didn't tell them (even though it was their office that had confirmed it a month earlier) and that my chart was not yet changed.

I have not felt validated this time around with the medical community. It just sucks to go through something difficult, and then have an infection slam you, and then be blamed for it in the end!

...it makes you want to go to Wal-mart and ride on the scooters...fill the basket up with chocolate and transfat goodies.

ariel.

2009-04-21T22:41:00.002-04:00

ariel.

i would love to curl up in aquatic blankets
with you, my love
embrace you forever

i want to go back and erase my mistakes
for you, my love
forgiven by you forever

i would sing a love song in the watery depths
to you, my baby
serenade you forever

but i now know you're no longer there
in Heaven you wait for your mother.

no title good enough.

2009-04-21T15:18:00.003-04:00

I lost my second child, but God has His own wisdom and reasons for allowing things. I've been crying on and off since I found out, as I'm sure all women do at this point. I'm not alone in this. God help all of the women who have faced this once...or more.

i need to get over it. not everyone can have it perfectly.

2009-04-18T21:48:00.006-04:00

i am completely frustrated with the world right now. i woke up on the wrong side of the couch, and i've been treating my husband (and all of his ideas) like a non issue. i need to wake completely up and snap out of it.
i visited frederick today, and the place is still as magical to me as ever. what i wouldn't give to live in downtown frederick. all the tiny shops and cafes make me giddy. i love all the people just walking to walk. i love the memories i have there. and yet i hate them at the same time because i was a different me. a healthy me. i can seriously mark my days of health like this... "before baby, after baby." i read on the internet that some people can have chronic headaches lasting up to 14 years. i don't want to be in that category. most days i can put up with it, but then some days (like tonight) i crack. i just don't want to deal with this...i'm too weak for real life. God help me. i never knew i'd have to bear this.
and yet look at me, i'm being so selfish. so many families have to face much worse than what i'll ever know. violence, hunger, emotional deprivation. can i ever just snap out of it and accept what is my plight in life (for now i hope, at least)?

vamos people.

2009-04-17T07:20:00.004-04:00

river and i are in the living room eating wheat crackers. once again i've gained back the two pounds i lost. how pathetic. i'm not even trying. i'm officially in a danger zone. a big cheesy, saucy, pepperoni filled danger zone. john just got a job at pizza hut and brought back a panormous last night.
river is watching a children's show infused with the Spanish language. it's not at all that the Spanish language integrated into the dialog is wrong, it's just that i'm trying to teach river where the nose is on her face, so i doubt she can comprehend "gracias" or "vamos." i'll probably learn a thing or two from this show seeing as the only lines i can think of are "me llamo kristine, y tu" and "donde esta el bano?"...my name is kristine, and yours? where is the bathroom? go figure.
great, now some big mouse is asking us if we want to go into his clubhouse (creepy) and they're singing enthusiasitcally about it. but not near as creepy as that new commercial where the guy redid his basement and randomly called out to people on the street, "hey jill! want to see my basement?!" yeah...red flag.
okay, river is starting to pile clothes and shoes ontop of me (usual) as i type this. so i'm going to get off. love to all three readers!

titles are complicated for me.

2009-04-15T10:08:00.004-04:00

so today john is cooking beef curry. haha, at first i typed "beefy". "beefy curry" doesn't sound very appetizing for whatever reason. at any rate, he added coconut milk to this batch, so it should be amazing. i "shockingly" gained five pounds. i can honestly say that i haven't been on a food rampage everyday, but i have been neglecting serving sizes/types of food. add on the lack of physical exercise, and you have five extra pounds. why is this so hard for me? i miss my glory days.

i'll be attending the frederick, md tax day tea party. honestly, i am somewhat nervous. what can i expect when i get there? it's not that i don't support the ideas behind the rally, it's just that i'm not revolutionary enough to go stand in the rain with only three other people (and my child, so i win mother of the year award) and look like a complete dolt. i simply hope it will not be that mortifying. i'd like to glide into the crowd and blend in. i am such a dork, gah. i also have a lesser fear of crazy people, in general, showing up to do protests against the tea party. i want to die when i'm old, not at a tea party in 2009. besides, i wouldn't have had a chance to eat the curry leftovers (as i'm sure there will be).

but SERIOUSLY.

my delusional diet.

2009-04-14T12:09:00.000-04:00

so apparently i need to eat better, especially because of the pregnancy. it's a well known fact that hangs over my head, but i like to ignore it while i'm eating both chocolate chip cookie dough poptarts. it's just unfortunate that this tiny person growing inside me doesn't understand the joy of a moo latte, the wonders of a milkshake, the almost surreal satisfaction after a chinese buffet.
i also need to quit caffeine. i had quit for a long time, but now i'm writing this on a cherry coke high. this is ridiculous. on the one hand i'm eating almond butter and wheat bread, fully cooked sushi and soymilk. and then in the other hand there is this extra large dark chocolate bar that my husband thought would be a great idea for easter (unfortunately it's going to be sitting for a while if i can really follow through with my new dietary goals). so here are my two new goals, STOP junk food altogether, and by junk food i mean anything deserty type/chocolate. i can still eat bread, sugary cereals, blah blah blah. i'm not an atkin's wannabe. goal number two involves STOPPING caffeine. it's completely unfair to the unborn. it's a drug i can do without.
i may or may not lose weight. that's a side note. the most important thing here is that i become a healthier person all around.

b-almond/jelly sand./oj
l-fruitloops, burrito
d-11pc. sushi

in regards to the food listings, i may not post everyday/add every detail. it would be too mundane/tedious.

ciao, kristine<3

additional thoughts....perhaps cutting out junk food altogether is a bit harsh. perhaps i'm setting myself up for failure here. perhaps a little here and there wouldn't hurt me. perhaps i should stop starting sentences with "perhaps." i could end with it then, perhaps. hahaha. like...i'm crazy, perhaps?